Love you Forever

I went to church alone today for the first time since baby David died. It was hard. I kind of feel like a leper among the healthy. Like everyone knows I am really different and kind of tries to avoid me because of it. Everyone except the kids. Today a totally adorable three year old sitting in front of me walked up to me, told me her name, what she was going to ask Santa to bring her (something that involved Zombies), and what she brought for snack to eat during church. Then she asked "what happened to your family?". I know it was innocent. I know for her "normal" is married adults with kids. And I was without both my husband and any children. But sometimes I ask myself that same question. What happened to my family?  What did I do to be deprived of such a blessing? I almost cried when she asked me, but luckily I didn't. I think that would have scared her. Church is a completely draining experience for me. What was once something that rejuvenated me for another week and provided strength and rest to my spirit, now completely wears me out and I have to spend the hours following church figuring out how to put myself back together and soothe my wounds again. But I know that my Heavenly Father appreciates that I go. So I will keep going. And I know He is very aware of my pain and my trials and I know He cares about me. During a particularly difficult part of the meeting I was trying so hard to fight back tears and feeling so much pain that all I could do was pray. I started to silently pray the same prayer I pray when I hurt so much that I can't say much else; simply that my sweet baby will know that I love him, because that is really important to me. Right when the tears started falling my little sister sent me a text. Nothing big. In fact it was more an inside joke, a strange addiction to odd reality tv that we both have. Now I don't usually approve of texting during church, but it was almost over and that small thing pulled me out of that particularly low moment and made it possible for me to get through the rest of the meeting and home again without completely losing it. So for today, that is what I will be thankful for. I am also thankful that my husband just told me he is coming home. 5 hours early. He must have known I needed him.

A few weeks ago I felt like I needed something physical to help heal my heart. Something tangible that I could actually touch. So I ordered a necklace charm from etsy and a Tiffany's chain to go with it. On the front it has baby David's footprints, and on the back it says "love you forever". I actually ordered another one as well with his name and birth date on the back, but I always wear the round one. I paired it with a ruby charm, his birthstone, and the other is paired with the angel Moroni, the symbol on his headstone and the one who stands atop LDS temples around the world. I am very happy with how it turned out, and having it on does help me feel comforted, like no matter what my little boy is still with me. Here are some pictures of the necklaces:

Do you think my little boy knows I love him forever? I never got to tell him so I hope that Heaven is close enough for him to hear me now. I love you forever sweet little one.