Helping the grieving…

“Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms.
She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS,
but she IS NOT, all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere...”

-Author Unknown-

This is a page with suggestions for friends and families of bereaved parents. I have gathered these suggestions from the various loss forums that I have visited. Some are my own. Of course, every individual is different, so it’s good to think of your friend or family as a unique person, grieving in blood and tears, and consider what may be the best thing you can do for him/her. Sometimes, it may seem nothing you can do or say will ever be right, or fall on unappreciative ears, or you may not experience gratitude for the things you do. Do know when in grief, there is often little space for consideration of other people’s feelings or gratitude. Take heart that you have done your best, and that healing takes time; a long, long, time…

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~ If you receive a birth/death announcement, whether by email or by mail, please respond. Yes, it is hard to find the right words, but to not respond is an implication that the news did not matter to you. Even a simple line like “I am so sorry and sad this happened to you and your family. My heart is with you.” means a whole lot.

-A stillbirth is NOT a miscarriage. Don't call it that. There is a very large difference. Having experienced both, I can tell you that both hurt, but not nearly on the same level. I had to go through regular labor and childbirth just like every other mom that keeps their baby. It was painful. And then I held a child that I would never know on this side of Heaven. But he was fully formed and very real. 

~ If you wish to send flowers, ask first. Some had said flowers sent during the funeral they did not appreciate because they were too overwhelmed, and found comfort with flowers sent to the home after the event. You may consider doing both.  I thought the flowers we received were so thoughtful and beautiful, but I got really distressed when they eventually died. 

~ Being remembered during holidays and anniversaries means a lot. Especially if the loss is a firstborn, it is especially hard for the parents when it is Mothers’ Day or Fathers’ Day. Send them a card or call them and let them know they are being thought of. And, check in as often as you can. The hardest part is some time after the baby’s death- after a deluge of calls and emails, suddenly there is silence and this is when the bereaved parents starts to feel lonely and isolated. It seems they are the only people in the world left to deal with nothing but grief while the rest of the world returns to business as usual. A regular call or email means a lot.

-Say Something!! I was so surprised by which people said something and which did not. People I considered close friends said very little or nothing to me, others I have not spoken to in years sent beautiful, often very short, notes of support, encouragement, and compassion. People saying nothing was so painful. It was if they didn't care because their lives were not affected. 

~ Do ask for the baby’s name, and say it. It really is very validating to the parents.

~ Please do not say things like “You can have another baby.” or “You can always have another one.” Because a baby is not replaceable. That baby lost was very much loved and wanted. Try to think what you would not say if the deceased was an adult. You would not tell a friend, “You can always have another mom.”

~ Please also do not say things like, “At least you still have x other children.” or cite other people’s misfortune.

~ Please do not ask the parents if they are going to try again. And do not pressure them into it either.

~ Please do not pretend or act like nothing had happened. This can be very hurting. Acknowledge what had happened. When you pretend nothing had happened, it is as if the baby never existed; and in the case of a stillbirth, it is the parents’ greatest pain that the baby was there for only so short a time, and when people around them act as if it never happened only makes it more painful.

~ Don't tell a grieving mother, “This is God’s will.” even if they are deeply religious. This is an acceptance that the bereaved parents have to come to by themselves, not to be told by someone else.

~ Please also do not say things like “Everything happens for a good reason.” Yes, there may indeed be a very good reason, but for the bereaved parents, NO reason is good enough. DO NOT, under any circumstance, say “it was not a perfect baby anyway” or that the baby had some kind of defect and so it must have been for the better. But for every mother, her baby is perfect. In the midst of the pain of loss, no reasons is good enough, especially for a mother who has seen her baby and knows how perfect they are and only feel as if her own body is what has the imperfection. 

~ Do offer help and support in every way possible. It could be taking care of other kids; making sure they have food; taking care of the laundry, cleaning the house, etc.

~ Do not feel offended if your offers are rejected. It is still comforting to the parents to be thought of and offered help. But some people need more space and a longer time before they are ready to let anyone into their grieving space.

~ Do acknowledge that the pain never goes away. You just learn to deal with it over time.

~ Please do not say, “Get over it!”; “Move on already.” or anything to that effect.

~ You may wish to do something in honor of the baby. You could consider a donation to a charity or organization you know the parents care about, in honor of the baby. Or, put up a Christmas ornament on your tree in remembrance, and let the parents know that. It is really healing when people do things to demonstrate that the baby was meaningful to them.

~ If the baby was born before the due date, please remember the parents on the due date. It is often a difficult time. And do not forget to remember them again on the baby’s birthday. The hurting does not stop.  No one remembered our due date, and we were left to suffer alone. 

~ Some women receive commemorative jewelry (pendant, bracelet, necklace) in memory of their loss and really appreciated that. I ordered my own necklace which I never took off for the first several months because I needed something tangible to hold on to. It would have been nice as a gift so I didn't have to go looking myself. 

~ Most women really want to talk about their babies. If they yearn to do so, please allow them that opportunity. Asking other questions but avoiding asking about the baby directly is painful, as if you are trying to avoid the situation.  It is something that the parents will never get over, so you avoiding it does not help. It just makes them feel like you don't care. 

~ Going out to the stores and other familiar, routine places was really hard for me, especially alone. Offer to run their errands, or to accompany them and hold their hands.  It took several weeks before I could go to a grocery store and several months before I could go into one alone. 

~ Don’t forget the needs and feelings of the father.

Below is a wishlist I found. The author is unknown:

A Bereaved Parent’s wishlist:

I wish my child hadn’t died. I wish I had him back. I wish you wouldn’t be afraid to speak my child’s name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me. My child’s death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me. I need you now more than ever. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child; my favorite topic of the day. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child’s death pains you too. I wish you would let me know these things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug. I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over. These first years are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die. I am working hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child and I will always grieve that he is dead. I wish you wouldn’t expect me “not to think about it” or “be happy”. Neither will happen for a very long time, so don’t frustrate yourself. I don’t want to have a “Pity party”, but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I’m feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you. When I say, “I’m doing okay”, I wish you could understand that I don’t “feel” okay and that I struggle daily. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I’m having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I’m quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky. Your advice to “take it one day at a time” is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I’m doing good to handle an hour at a time. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died and I will never be that person again. I wish very much that you could understand ~ understand my loss and my grief. But I pray daily that you will never understand.