Full Term!

I have pretty much been terrified this entire pregnancy, and I still am, but I am finally 37 weeks. Full Term!! I have been wanting to get here so bad, some days it feels like I am holding my breath all day long waiting for it. I've trusted that he would have been fine if born early for several weeks now, but since I am now full term I do not have to go back to the hospital that baby David was born at and can instead go to the much newer, much more comfortable, and MUCH closer hospital. Which for me is great because Ive had panic attacks every time I've had to make the trek to Bethesda (d3's hospital). It will also be much more convenient in case we forget anything since Fort Belvoir (baby #2's hospital) is 5 minutes up the street. We have a scheduled induction for June 13th right now (say what you want about medical intervention in pregnancy, sometimes it is necessary and yes I have thoroughly studied everything and this is the safest thing for me and my baby) but I am no longer on the shots that have kept me from going into preterm labor my whole pregnancy (because I am full term now!!) so it could literally be any time. David hopes I make it to the induction date because it works out with his schedule better for taking paternity leave. I hope I do because my favorite doctor will be on shift that day and there are a couple doctors I would like to avoid. Can't wait to meet this little one.  Hoping for a drastically different birth experience this time around.

10 Months

Dear D-3,

I can't believe it has been 10 months already since I last looked at your sweet, beautiful, little face. I thought my heart was going to explode from all the love I felt for you, and from all the pain at having you gone.  Sometimes it surprises me at how many days have passed, and sometimes I feel like it was just yesterday. It is those days when I cry the most because the wounds in my heart and spirit feel so fresh.  Your dad and I still talk about you often. We like to think about what you would be doing now if you were here.

I hope you are getting to know some of your family there.  I know there are many that need you and your amazing spirit to help them learn and progress. And while my soul still aches every day from missing you so much, I am very proud that you passed the test of this earth so quickly and got to go straight back home to our Heavenly Father.

In just a couple of weeks, if everything goes well, we will be meeting your little brother. It makes me so sad that I won't get to watch you two grow up together, especially since you would be so close in age. And it makes me really sad that I have already had more time with your brother than I got to have with you. But I know you are never far away and you will still be able to look out for your little brother (Make sure you tell mom if he does something naughty when I am not around).  It will be hard to see him grow up when I won't get to see you grow up, but we look forward to a time when we can hold you again and when we can get to know you. You are such an important part of our family, the one who made us become a family really. Without you we were a couple, but with you we are a family. I still have fears that everyone will forget all about you, but your dad always reminds me that we will never forget you and that is the only thing that really matters.

I never thought I would be a mom with an angel baby(I don't think any moms with angel babies ever think about it.) But it makes me feel so special that you chose me to be your mom and that you chose to be a part of our family.  I know your dad feels honored to have you as his son too. You taught me so much in your short life about what love is, and about how to be a better person, and especially a better mother.  You also taught me about eternity, and allowed me to see and understand more of Heavenly Father's plan for me and our family.  You showed us the things that truly matter.  You gave my life such great purpose, and showed me so many miracles. And even though I will also be mom to your little brother, I am a mother because of you.  You will always be my first, the one that changed my life forever.  I love you my sweet boy. So so much.

Love,
Mom

Memorial Weekend

We went down to the cemetery today to see the flags being raised. They put big flags all over the cemetery on Memorial and Veterans Day. They will be having an event there on Sunday or Monday which we can't attend because David is working. We took some red, white, and blue flowers to our baby and we also took some to Walter...our little one's neighbor. He was a World War II vet. We don't know him or what his life was like, but remembering people like him who fought for our country is what Memorial Day is all about. It was a little cold and a lot windy. But it was nice to be out there where it is so peaceful...especially with baby #2 coming so soon. And when we got there we discovered that someone had left a little flower and butterfly for our boy. It made us smile.

We were also pleasantly surprised to see that the grass is starting to grow in. All through the winter when we would go out there our shoes and the bottom of our pants would be covered in mud because it was still just dirt, so the grass was a wonderful sight to see. We also just learned that the man who took the Iwo Jima photo (which is recreated in this statue) is also buried at Quantico National Cemetery.

We hope in the middle of your fun day off, that you take a little bit of time to remember those who have sacrificed everything for our country. Those who gave the ultimate sacrifice at a young age, and those who gave a life of service and passed on when they were old. They deserve honor and remembering.

A Day for Mothers

This Mother's day is bitter sweet. It brought both a reminder of a little boy that isn't here and anticipation of a little boy to come. I remember how happy I was last mother's day. I couldn't wait for baby David to get here. I was blissfully unaware of what was about to come. And looking back, I also still had no idea what it meant to be a mother. I had no idea I could love so much. And I also had no idea I could hurt so much either. So many raw emotions have been flooding back in.

Of course I have spent a lot of time thinking of my own mother today. She is a wonderful mother. And I am finally understanding just how much of a rockstar she really is.  My mom has done some amazing things. She always planned the best themed birthday parties. And most of them happened before google!! I have no idea how she did that. She even made a fabulous teddy bear cake for my first birthday without a step by step youtube tutorial. Like I said, amazing.

She probably isn't the perfect mom in the "pinterest" sense.  The house was not perfectly scheduled on cute printed calendars and notes lists, there has never been a mini van (thank goodness), dinner every night was not a perfectly plated organic meal full of color and variety on beautiful plates set upon a coordinating table cloth, but our house was always a safe place to play and learn, the SUV was always perfectly adequate to get us places (even if it wasn't always on time), and even though our meals were rarely organic and not served on plates that coordinated to the table cloth, there was always dinner and it was always good. It is really the little things that I have been thinking about the most. While I loved the themed birthday parties and remember every single one because they made childhood fun and made me feel special, it is in the more mundane moments of motherhood: in the laundry folding, the grilled cheese dinners, the packed school lunches, the staying up late to help with homework moments; all the moments that she thinks I(we) didn't notice (and that we didn't praise her nearly enough for). It was in those moments that my wonderful mother taught me how to be a mother. She has always had patience that I have never had, (I get mine, or lack thereof from my father) but I am working on it. She taught me that the best ways to teach a child something you need them to know is to play with them. And she showed me, especially this last year, that a mother is someone who will always be there for you no matter how old you get.

Someone commented to me last year that they couldn't believe my mom would leave her other children to come stay with me when I was on bed-rest for a month. And at the time I couldn't believe it either. But when I met my little boy, I understood that it would be more shocking for her to not be there. Because she is an amazing mother, and that is what amazing mothers do. She knew my younger siblings would be safe and well cared for by dad, and she went to where she was needed. I never would have made it through last year without her. And very recently as I have really struggled with figuring out how to be a mom to two little boys, one that is here and one that is not, I have looked to her example and have understood that the best way to be a mom to both, is to be an amazing mom to the one that is here, because he is the one that needs me. Of course baby David will always be part of our family, and a day will never pass where I do not think of him, but I know he is safe with his Father. He is taken care of. He doesn't need me to teach him about God because he is with Him, and he doesn't need me to teach him how to safely navigate life in this world because he already passed that test. We gave him everything he needed, his physical body, and with that he reached his full potential. Now he just needs us (including little brother) to reach ours so we can all be back together again. And I am sure I will continue to rely on my mom for her example and her advice on how to best do that.

Happy Mother's day to my awesome mom and all the other awesome moms in my life.

A poem I found online a few months ago that really touched my heart:

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes

And prayed to God today.

I asked him what makes a Mother

And I know I heard him say,

A mother has a baby

This we know is true.

But God, can you be a Mother

When your baby's not with you?

Yes you can, He replied

With confidence in His voice. 

I give many women babies

When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime

And others for a day.

And some I send to feel your womb

But there's no need for them to stay.

I just don't understand this,

God I want my baby here!

He took a breath and cleared His throat

And then I saw a tear. 

I wish that I could show you

What your child is doing today.

If you could see your child smile

With the other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons

Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much

I got to come straight here."

"I feel so lucky to have a Mom

Who had so much love for me.

I learned my lesson very quickly

and my mommy set me free."

"I miss my Mommy oh so much

But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep at night

On her pillow is where I lay."

"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear,

Mommy don't be sad today

I am your baby and I am here."

So you see my dear sweet one

Your children are okay

Your babies are in My home

And this is where they will stay.

They'll wait for you with Me

Until your lesson is through.

And on the day that you come home

They'll be at the gates for you. 

So now you see what makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart

It's the love you had so much of

Right from the very start. 

Fiesta!

I'll be honest, I have been a pain to live with the last couple weeks. And my poor husband has been putting up with me so well. He is so patient. Even when I express the same exact anxieties and fears over and over and over again.  Anyway, I decided we needed a little bit of fun, especially since he has been putting in such long hours at work.  We were also supposed to be in Detroit this weekend for David's sister's graduation from college but the doctor told me I was not allowed to travel. I know he was really sad about not being there.  So I decided to plan a fun little fiesta for the two of us on Cinco de Mayo. Here it is...Virginia style:

 The Meal: steak quesadillas with homemade roasted tomatillo and apple salsa, shrimp ceviche, sweet mexican corn cake, chips and salsa, watermelon with chili-lime seasoning on top, and plenty of margaritas (virgin of course).

David was very happy that he got to eat all of this on the couch while watching basketball. 

THE yummiest margaritas- watermelon, strawberries, lime juice, sugar, ice, (a little water) blended smooth. 

Enjoying our margaritas through mustache straws. Yes I am wearing an American Flag shirt. Oh well.

Of course, any fiesta is not complete without a little tres leches cake. yum yum.

It was quite a fun little fiesta in for us. A little over one month now until our fiesta of two becomes a fiesta of three. :)