Happy Third Birthday

Trey,

I can't believe another year has passed. Another year that took me further away from the time I held you, but closer to when I can see you again. I have been thinking about you so much lately. And even though I am not in the same amount of pain I was in the days and weeks following your birth, I still miss you the same, maybe even more now. This birthday has been the hardest for me. Even harder than that first one, because in a few days we will be leaving. I have so many conflicting feelings about this move. Its a move that I know will be good for our family, but my heart is having a really hard time leaving you. I know you aren't really here, and you can be near us wherever we are, but the hallowed ground I watched your casket lowered into has become a place of peace for me. Its where, the first year after you were born, I would take blankets out and read you stories for hours while Dad was at work. It was there that I told you first before anyone else that you had a little sibling coming. It was there that I visited on every holiday, even halloween, to bring little tokens of my love and to heal my heart. I am going to miss our trips to "see" you so much. It breaks my heart that no one lives nearby to go visit you. When I imagine your grave flowerless on your birthday and at Christmas it makes me cry. I don't want others to think we forgot you, even though you know that we haven't.

All of my memories with you are here in DC. I got to see you on an ultrasound for the first time here. I heard your heartbeat, felt you kick, and kissed your tiny sweet face here. Every tiny second I got to spend with you was here, and that makes leaving here so hard. I see you in all of these places, and I won't have that in California. This past year we have spent countless hours with Jax in the hospital I saw you last, that I have felt like you were there with us. I know you have been there with Jax. A few weeks ago I was preparing some pictures to have printed. One of each of my three babies. Jax saw your picture (the first time he has ever seen it) and excitedly starting pointing and babbling like he was talking to a friend. He knows your face. And maybe all of Jax's delays and his inability to speak has allowed you to stay nearby longer. Maybe it allowed heaven to stay open to get him through all the painful, hard tests and scary hospital stays. Last year I was angry that you weren't here to protect him from the world, but this year I realize that you have been comforting and protecting him all along. I am so thankful he has you as a big brother.

I hope you are having a very happy birthday in Heaven.  Jax loved Balloons on his birthday this year so we thought you would probably love them too. We also had chocolate cake. Your dad picked that because chocolate cake is his favorite so we figured since you are named after him that you would love that too. We had to buy it this year because we are moving, but we still had candles. Our wish is always the same, that you know how much we love you still. I miss you so much little one, and I love you forever and ever.

Love, Mom

Some pictures from your birthday party:

Family Pictures

I have been really struggling with the fact that we are leaving DC and leaving the place that I first and last saw my first born. I had the idea to take a family picture at the cemetery where D3 is buried so we would have that piece of him to take with us. And I knew Jeni would be the perfect person to take them. She has taken both sets of newborns as well as Jax's one year photos and our hospital pictures. Over the past couple years we have gotten to know her a bit and  I knew she would understand and be able to capture what I wanted because she had also lost a child. I know I am going to cherish these forever.

2 years

My Sweet Little One,

Happy Birthday! I can't believe it has been two years since I held you and looked at your sweet little face. My heart grew 5 sizes that day, but it also broke in half. The last two years without you haven't been easy. I miss you every single day. Last night I had a dream that you and Jax were wrestling like brothers do. It must have been happening in Heaven because you are not here, and Jax may never have that ability. Its good to know that some things won't ever change though. I know over the years that Jax will miss you also. But because of you, I am a better mom to him. I have more patience and more love. I have a more thankful heart, and through all of our trials and Jax's problems, I am better able to love him like God loves him. All because you taught me that. We went to visit you on Saturday. Jax thought it was a really fun party. I just kept thinking that next year will be our last year here with you, and my heart got really sad. I know its not really you underneath that headstone, but its still such a special place for us, and it will be hard to leave. Before we went to visit you we stopped at our favorite little nursery to pick you up some pretty flowers. I found some "forget me nots" which were perfect for you with their tiny blue flowers and thoughtful name. They ended up being free, which I take as I sign you haven't forgotten us either.

I always imagine what life would be like if you were here now. Would you and Jax have fun together? Would you watch out for your little brother? A few weeks ago I got so angry that you weren't here when it became evident that Jax will probably have health and develop problems his entire life. I was mad there was no one to protect him from the mean kids at school and all the places that his mom won't be. I felt like we needed you. But I know you are needed more where you are. And I am sure you are a great and valiant spirit doing great work.

I made you a chocolate cake. I don't really know what kind of cake you would like, but your dad loves chocolate cake (and so do I) so I figured you would too. This year feels so different than last year, and yet also the same. Last year the wounds were still really big and fresh. And this year they aren't as big, but they feel just as fresh. My memories of you are so vivid it almost feels like it was yesterday that I cradled you in my arms. Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought of you, and not a second has passed that I haven't loved you. Today I am one year closer to holding you again. I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to that. I love you my boy.

Love, Mom