One of THOSE days

Today (or yesterday rather, since it is now after 2 am) was just one of those days. You know the kind. Sundays are usually one of those days, but preparing for my first ever hurricane, the Frankenstorm of the East, has made it especially difficult and anxiety ridden. To top it off today it has been exactly three months since I looked at my sweet boys face and my heart that was so full of love was crushed into billions of tiny pieces. And now I am having another one of my sleepless nights. the first in a couple of weeks actually. So I guess progress is being made, but the pain still feels fresh and new most days. Tonight it seems the sky decided to stay up and cry with me. Maybe Mother Nature is just missing someone she loves too. 

Fall is Here!

It is finally fall here in DC. I love it!! I am not looking forward to winter, but I love that it is no longer SUPER hot and the colored leaves on the trees are beautiful! That is definitely something I have missed living in San Diego. Here are a few fall things we have done so far:

We went to a cider mill while visiting family in Detroit. It had THE BEST cider and donuts we have ever had.

October is bonus month! And that means new toys for sweetheart. 

We bought a pumpkin,

And brought it to our little boy.

Where we saw some more beautiful fall trees.

And finished the day off with our first fall carwash (also the first in a few months...)

I wish it could stay fall forever, but I know winter is on its way! Sad face. I am kind of looking forward to speeding through the holidays this year. Going out to the stores and seeing all the little kids picking out their costumes is hard. And all the Christmas decorations coming out makes it harder for me to be thankful for what I have, instead of being sad about what I don't. I asked David what he thought little man would have been for Halloween. He said, "that's easy. Lebron James. Every single year." (eyes definitely rolled here) I told him I didn't think that was a very creative idea. I thought he would have suggested some sort of super hero because he is really into comics, but I guess I was wrong.

What kinds of things do you like to do in the fall?

I Have a Problem

Hi, my name is Marissa and I am an overpacker. Always. No matter what. I put all of the necessities in my suitcase (plus an extra pair of socks and underwear because Mom always said to do that) and then I start thinking of all the what if's. What if there is a freak snow storm in the middle of July? What if I accidentally walk under a waterfall and become soaked? What if we go somewhere fancy where jeans are not allowed? What if we do that twice (usually never happens)? What if I need snow boots and flip flops in the same week? What if their 60 degrees is colder than my 60 degrees? And by the time I go through all of my what if's, my once neat (non stuffed) suitcase looks more like this:

Sigh. I always promise myself it wont happen. And then it always happens. I think it is safe to say, I have a serious problem. But the first step to recovering is admitting it, right?

Making Life Fair

I find myself needing to take a lot more deep breaths lately. I also find that I post more when I have bad days than good ones because I use this as therapy for me. I had anticipated the pain being nearly gone by now, but I have found that the opposite is more true. In the beginning the pain was soothed by amazing experiences and blessings of being able to see into heaven a little bit and feel so close to our true and eternal home.  A loving Heavenly Father sent down sweet blessings of love and comfort which took away some of the pain in my heart while modern medicine lessened the physical pain of my body.  But now it seems my feet have been firmly planted back in reality, and while I still have a deep understanding and faith in an eternal plan of love and families, the veil (divide between heaven and earth) does not seem as thin as it did before. I see the mountains of life more clearly laid before me and I am painfully and awkwardly aware of the fact that I have no idea what to do now. Somewhere in my life I am sure I was prepared for this experience, but it is hard for my mind to get past the fact that I quit a job I loved (one that is difficult to obtain) to be a mom and now I have nothing. Not a job, not a child, not a purpose. I spend hours a night in tears pleading with Heavenly Father to tell me what to do. I cry for the family I want but cannot be sure I will ever have. And I can hear those infamous words echoing in my ears, "Life isn't fair". Well isn't that the truth?

I have had lots of questions answered about eternal families and about where my little boy is and what he is doing. I feel sad he isn't here with me, and even more sad I cannot tell him myself how much I love him (I ask Heavenly Father to tell him for me) but I know his special spirit and personality and talents would not have been best used here. It leaves me wondering though, what I should do with my skills and talents now that my life plans have completely crumbled. Last weekend was the annual Relief Society Broadcast for my church. The talks were great and the music was inspiring. I was especially touched by the words of one women who talked about how the Atonement of Christ makes up for everything that is unfair in this world. It  heals all of the pains and will make everything perfect and right when we complete our journey here. All lost in our life will be restored. It is amazing to me that such an unselfish, loving, amazing, and truly unfair sacrifice makes our lives whole and eventually fair. What an amazing blessing and miracle. It is this same atoning sacrifice that will allow me to see my precious baby again and be his mom forever. This experience in my life has been extremely soul stretching. Both my spiritual and physical self have been broken and healed over and over again.  And although I don't know why, I am still here. And while I am here, I will continue to work hard at being the best I can be, and especially the best mom I can be so that when everything is made right and life is made fair, I will be ready for the blessings that come.