Happy Third Birthday

Trey,

I can't believe another year has passed. Another year that took me further away from the time I held you, but closer to when I can see you again. I have been thinking about you so much lately. And even though I am not in the same amount of pain I was in the days and weeks following your birth, I still miss you the same, maybe even more now. This birthday has been the hardest for me. Even harder than that first one, because in a few days we will be leaving. I have so many conflicting feelings about this move. Its a move that I know will be good for our family, but my heart is having a really hard time leaving you. I know you aren't really here, and you can be near us wherever we are, but the hallowed ground I watched your casket lowered into has become a place of peace for me. Its where, the first year after you were born, I would take blankets out and read you stories for hours while Dad was at work. It was there that I told you first before anyone else that you had a little sibling coming. It was there that I visited on every holiday, even halloween, to bring little tokens of my love and to heal my heart. I am going to miss our trips to "see" you so much. It breaks my heart that no one lives nearby to go visit you. When I imagine your grave flowerless on your birthday and at Christmas it makes me cry. I don't want others to think we forgot you, even though you know that we haven't.

All of my memories with you are here in DC. I got to see you on an ultrasound for the first time here. I heard your heartbeat, felt you kick, and kissed your tiny sweet face here. Every tiny second I got to spend with you was here, and that makes leaving here so hard. I see you in all of these places, and I won't have that in California. This past year we have spent countless hours with Jax in the hospital I saw you last, that I have felt like you were there with us. I know you have been there with Jax. A few weeks ago I was preparing some pictures to have printed. One of each of my three babies. Jax saw your picture (the first time he has ever seen it) and excitedly starting pointing and babbling like he was talking to a friend. He knows your face. And maybe all of Jax's delays and his inability to speak has allowed you to stay nearby longer. Maybe it allowed heaven to stay open to get him through all the painful, hard tests and scary hospital stays. Last year I was angry that you weren't here to protect him from the world, but this year I realize that you have been comforting and protecting him all along. I am so thankful he has you as a big brother.

I hope you are having a very happy birthday in Heaven.  Jax loved Balloons on his birthday this year so we thought you would probably love them too. We also had chocolate cake. Your dad picked that because chocolate cake is his favorite so we figured since you are named after him that you would love that too. We had to buy it this year because we are moving, but we still had candles. Our wish is always the same, that you know how much we love you still. I miss you so much little one, and I love you forever and ever.

Love, Mom

Some pictures from your birthday party:

6, 7 and 8 months!!

Where is the time going!? My baby is growing so fast. Time here is flying by, and having two kids under 2 makes it fly even faster. Our little girl is developing quite the personality. She is pretty chill though and doesn't mind when her brother knocks her over, steals her toys, or gives her "love pats" (read:smacks her in the face). She has a funny way of getting around that isn't quite crawling, but hopefully she will doing that soon. She was sleeping through the night, but a couple weeks ago she started getting some new teeth and has now been waking up for one night feed a night which I can handle. MUCH better than Jax was doing at her age. She also still takes two naps and goes right down when she is tired as long as she has her pink blankey. Here's some pictures of our cute girl who is affectionally known as "Sis" around here:

Jax's Birthday

When we were talking about Jax's birthday we originally thought we might do a little party and invite our friends from base since we will be leaving soon. But then we realized Jax doesn't really care about birthday parties so we decided to do something he would enjoy. We packed a lunch, invited some friends, and headed out to the farm so Jax could ride a pony. He LOVED it! He had a great time, we had less stress, and spent way less money. win-win. 

I am not an animal person and being in there with the goats actually terrified me, but I will do anything for that cute boy in my arms.

This pig was trained like a dog and would sit, walk and roll over on command.

This is how rory was feeling about being at the farm. She's like her momma. Farms aren't really her thing.

This is the sign for Mickey Mouse. Jax LOVES Mickey Mouse. If Disneyland was an option for his birthday, we would have done that.

We love our little two year old. He is funny, crazy, smart, and so loving. He has had a hard life, puts up with a lot of medical stuff, but he is so resilient and continues to make so much progress. We love that he is part of our family and can't wait to celebrate so many more birthdays with him.