Along the Road of Life

Lately David and I have been talking a lot about where we go from here. Do we wait the medically recommended three months and then try again? Do we wait longer to allow our hearts to heal more? Do we not try again at all because the process is long, emotional, and painful and cannot graruntee positive results? Or do we try adoption and spend a lot of time and even more money and still be left with empty arms and an empty home? I guess the real question is, are we willing to risk everything again and put our hearts on the line? And it seems the answer is not always totally clear.

Being left with practically no friends who aren't pregnant or nurturing new babies has been really hard. It seems we have been left with no friends at all. The dark times have become even darker in loneliness. It seems every single day someone new is announcing they are expecting, or someone new is sending out pictures of baby's first day. And we are happy for our friends because we love them. But our hearts hurt too, and it feels like our wounds get ripped open every time. We found it especially hard in the weeks following baby David's passing when we felt we needed so much support and help that our friends were too busy with babies or pregnancies or generally happy lives to notice. We don't blame anyone for feeling happiness about their lives; we never would.  In fact we love that those we love are experiencing so much joy. And I am sure there have been times when we have also been wrapped up in our own happiness and passed by the broken traveler on the side of the road fearing our lives would be interrupted if we reached out to help. But for that, we are truly sorry. I always saw the parable of the Good Samaritan as so black and white. Obviously we should stop and help the dying man. But sometimes the man is not so outwardly and obviously wounded. And sometimes we pass so many people who need help it can become overwhelming. But I think I am guilty of not stopping at times and not lifting someone who felt broken and abandoned simply because it wasn't the easy thing to do. And I plan to change that. 

I still don't know where we will go from here, even though I really really want to know what the future holds. I don't know if there will ever be a time when fear keeps us from risking everything. I am not even sure that the statement found in 2 Nephi, "men are that they might have joy" even applies to this life as so many interpret it to mean. Maybe we are just biding our time until the next life when the joy will surely come. But I hope in my life, along the road that I travel, that those in my path who are hurting or injured will be able to count on me to stop and help. And I know making that commitment requires me to get outside my grief enough to see that others are carrying grief and fear too. So for today, that is what I am working on. So if I see you on the road, I'll certainly try hard to catch you if you stumble. 

Learn of Me

I survived another week of church. Every week is like a small triumph for me. I keep waiting for it to be easier, but its not there quite yet. The speakers were quite good. A husband and wife, both prior military and they spoke of trials and the amazing resiliency of the human spirit. Most days I do not feel like I am the resilient type. Most days I don't know how I am going to get through each hour of the day. But then I do and another day passes and then another. I have hope that I will eventually figure out what I am supposed to do with my life and I have hope that I will eventually not feel so much fear, anxiety, and sadness. Like the couple that spoke today said, I am trying to accept that my Heavenly Father's time frame for my life and certain events in it is not the same as mine and I need to trust His plan.

I have learned some interesting things about faith lately. Things that are probably pretty obvious to uhh everyone, but things I somehow failed to properly grasp.  Faith is quite simply a belief in Jesus Christ and by virtue faith extends to all knowledge that comes with that belief. This I knew. But recently while I was hoping for a miracle, I started out having a belief in miracles. I thought if I showed that I knew miracles existed without a doubt that one would come. But that is not how that works, and miracles are only given by a loving Father in Heaven when they fit in with His eternal plan for his children. But believing in the miracles is not how we receive them. We receive them through faith in Christ. In fact that is the entire point of faith. It is not enough to have faith in faith, faith in miracles, or even faith in one or two gospel principles, but we need to have deep rooted faith in Jesus Christ.

We hear all the time that the priesthood power is such that man has the ability to move mountains if his faith is strong enough. I always assumed this to mean if the individual had the faith that the mountain would in fact obey their command, then it would move. But that is not the case at all. The person would have to have pure unwavering faith in the Savior to make that mountain move by Him and through Him. The same concept exists for Peter walking on water. The faith that allowed him to do so was perfect faith in Christ. And even as the Savior was standing in front of him, his faith wavered and he sank. This lets me know I have a long way to go. I have never doubted at any time in my life that Jesus Christ existed or that He was sent to be the Savior of the world. But I can't walk on water. And that is mainly because my faith is not yet perfected enough. In fact, even an apostle of Jesus Christ himself who was physically looking at Christ could not sustain the right amount of perfect faith and trust to keep his feet on the water's surface.

 How do we get more faith? Quite simply through study and prayer (and might I add temple attendance also because it is a place where certain questions can only be answered). The more we learn of Christ and His life and atoning sacrifice, the more our faith increases. And to obtain the perfect faith that we hope for, we must not only study a whole lot, but we must always be willing to learn and keep ourselves humble enough to be taught at all times. For me, that part has become much easier, because there is nothing more humbling than having a perfect child who dwells in God's presence and is always looking to you to make it back to him and be his mom forever. I think about that in every choice I make every single day.

This video I found a few weeks after baby David was born. I go back to it often as it is very comforting.
 I remember those mirrors on the day we were sealed. And I know that the plan for me is all about me being happy.  And I am so glad that Heaven is a meeting place where my family will finally get to all be together.

I also found this song. It is one I grew up hearing, but it is comforting now as well. The lyrics are below.

Learn of Me
Janice Kapp Perry

I walk today along the path of life.
No more a child protected from the strife.
Now I must face whatever foes may comes
And fight with strength until the battle's won.

I trembling fear the task is far to great,
On every side the Tempter lies in wait.
What can I do? I plead to Him above,
Then hear Him speak these gentle words of love:

Learn of me and listen to my words,
Walk in the meekness of my light
And I will give you peace,
My love will never cease,
For I am Jesus Christ.

When I was yet a child so clean and pure,
I doubted not and knew God's love was sure.
I knew He lived for every bird and tree,

By breath and leaf, were witnesses to me.

But now the world would fill my mind with doubt,
And so my soul, in search of truth cries out.
How may I know? I plead to Him above
Then I recall these gentle words of love:

Learn of me and listen to my words,
Walk in the meekness of my light
And I will give you peace,
My love will never cease,
For I am Jesus Christ.

My life is blessed to have His sacred word,
To feel His love and know my prayers are heard.
With in my soul his light has found a place,
It leads the way as I receive His grace.

The peace I feel, my joy in sacred things,
Surpasses all the world could ever bring.
With humble heart I take a valiant stand.
I will obey this gentle sweet command:

Learn of me and listen to my words,
Walk in the meekness of my light
And I shall give you peace,
My love will never cease,
For I am Jesus Christ.

Twenty-Nine

Last Friday was David's birthday. He turned 29. And now he lives in fear every day of turning 30. ha ha. I told him that I would do whatever he wanted to do. He wanted to go to the zoo. I do not happen to love the zoo, but I agreed to do anything, so off we went.

We took the metro in and discovered we really love the Cleveland Park area of DC where the zoo is. It was quite a nice walk from the metro to the zoo. And the National Zoo is free like all of the other Smithsonians so that was a major bonus. We felt it especially fantastic after we were done at the zoo and didn't think it was all that amazing. I guess we are just used to the San Diego Zoo. We still had fun though.

Sloth Bear.

All day he was on the phone. He is just really popular I guess.

 I took pictures of the animals that David told me to take pictures of. So this is what we got. Usually he takes pictures of ALL of the animals. But I had the camera that day. Thank goodness. :)

I thought this looked more like the entrance to a Narnia castle than the entrance to the zoo. I tried to convince my "old" husband to climb on up and take a picture of him riding the lion but he did not want to do that. ha ha.

After the zoo we went to get some dinner (which I do not have pictures of because I left the camera in the car. I think hubby got some video on his phone though. We went to one of those hibachi places where they cook the food right in front of you. It was amazing. Best food we have had in Virginia so far. After dinner we came home for some cupcakes. He requested chocolate cupcakes with chocolate frosting and rainbow sprinkles. The man loves rainbow sprinkles. I don't think it matters how old he gets, he will still be a child at heart.

 The cupcakes.

David wanted some action shots.

At the end of the night I was exhausted so I ran upstairs to jump into bed. And the hubs was still talking on the phone...

I hope that he enjoyed his special day. I have always tried to make birthdays something fun for him because for him they are a really big deal. I don't really care about my birthday, but I love how happy he gets when I try really hard to make his grand. I am going to have to start planning now for the big 30. I am accepting ideas until August 2013 so please let me know if you come up with any. :)

Love you Forever

I went to church alone today for the first time since baby David died. It was hard. I kind of feel like a leper among the healthy. Like everyone knows I am really different and kind of tries to avoid me because of it. Everyone except the kids. Today a totally adorable three year old sitting in front of me walked up to me, told me her name, what she was going to ask Santa to bring her (something that involved Zombies), and what she brought for snack to eat during church. Then she asked "what happened to your family?". I know it was innocent. I know for her "normal" is married adults with kids. And I was without both my husband and any children. But sometimes I ask myself that same question. What happened to my family?  What did I do to be deprived of such a blessing? I almost cried when she asked me, but luckily I didn't. I think that would have scared her. Church is a completely draining experience for me. What was once something that rejuvenated me for another week and provided strength and rest to my spirit, now completely wears me out and I have to spend the hours following church figuring out how to put myself back together and soothe my wounds again. But I know that my Heavenly Father appreciates that I go. So I will keep going. And I know He is very aware of my pain and my trials and I know He cares about me. During a particularly difficult part of the meeting I was trying so hard to fight back tears and feeling so much pain that all I could do was pray. I started to silently pray the same prayer I pray when I hurt so much that I can't say much else; simply that my sweet baby will know that I love him, because that is really important to me. Right when the tears started falling my little sister sent me a text. Nothing big. In fact it was more an inside joke, a strange addiction to odd reality tv that we both have. Now I don't usually approve of texting during church, but it was almost over and that small thing pulled me out of that particularly low moment and made it possible for me to get through the rest of the meeting and home again without completely losing it. So for today, that is what I will be thankful for. I am also thankful that my husband just told me he is coming home. 5 hours early. He must have known I needed him.

A few weeks ago I felt like I needed something physical to help heal my heart. Something tangible that I could actually touch. So I ordered a necklace charm from etsy and a Tiffany's chain to go with it. On the front it has baby David's footprints, and on the back it says "love you forever". I actually ordered another one as well with his name and birth date on the back, but I always wear the round one. I paired it with a ruby charm, his birthstone, and the other is paired with the angel Moroni, the symbol on his headstone and the one who stands atop LDS temples around the world. I am very happy with how it turned out, and having it on does help me feel comforted, like no matter what my little boy is still with me. Here are some pictures of the necklaces:

Do you think my little boy knows I love him forever? I never got to tell him so I hope that Heaven is close enough for him to hear me now. I love you forever sweet little one.

Birthday Smile

I should be sleeping, but I can't. Not that it is abnormal for me to not be able to sleep. It has become pretty normal for me. But tonight is particularly hard for some reason. Usually it isn't a big deal because I don't have anything to do the next day. But tomorrow I do. Tomorrow, all day long, I have promised myself that I will wear my best happy face in honor of my husband's 29th birthday. I told him I was going to make this year a big deal for him and document everything from his birthday on, so when he complains about getting old (he does thus often, he is ridiculous) I can show him how much fun he has been having. Hopefully I will actually follow through.

It is getting harder for me to see baby announcements or hear friends talk about their children or upcoming due dates. I feel like everyone has lives that are moving forward and I am just stuck here. I keep praying to know what I am supposed to do next, and I trust that Heavenly Father will help me figure it out eventually,  but for now I feel pretty lost. I find it interesting that in general, people don't really care about others. For example, a general greeting is "how are you doing?"  but we never want people to actually tell us how they are. In fact the person is considered strange if they respond with anything other than a normal "fine" or "good". That has always bothered me actually. I find myself getting asked often how I am doing these days. And I generally find that people do not actually care to know. But occasionalpeople retain people will make me feel like they do care to know, and sometimes I will answer them with how I actually feel. And most often there isn't really a reply or response. Painful. This has me wondering now, why when bad things happen do we suddenly forget how to hold conversations with people? Why do we forget that we are all human and can therefore express empathy, an emotion/reaction that does not require us to actually have experienced another person's life exactly as they did? And do we suddenly forget that we do know how it feels to go through trials in life? It is as if people think that if they don't talk about it, I will somehow forget that my baby died. But I am thinking about it all the time anyway so it is actually exhausting when people want to act like he didn't exist. They don't realize how healing it is to just be able to talk. That is why I blog. So people don't have to feel awkward about possibly receiving a truthful response when they ask how I am doing.

I know it is hard. I realize  now why it is specifically mentioned in the scriptures that part of becoming Christ's people is being able to "mourn with those who mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort". It is hard to express feelings to others. And it truly is a gift of the spirit to be able to show empathy. I have  really appreciated those who have offered kind words of support, especially those who I have not spoken to in years. And I am going to try my best to develop that particular spiritual talent of mourning with those that mourn because I have been learning how important that is in following the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know there are those who are struggling and praying for comfort, possibly even people close to me. I hope that I will be able to be an instrument in the Lord's hands for answering some of those prayers as people have been answers to mine at times. I think I have lost some of my fear about supporting others in their trials. I hope people realize that even the most awkward expressions of love and sympathy are so appreciated.  And sometimes words are not even needed if someone is sincere in offering a listening ear.

And now I am going to pray for about the hundredth time today, and attempt to join my softly snoring (a trait he has picked up in the past year) husband in dream land. I hope tomorrow will feel better. And I hope I will have gotten enough rest to do all of the birthday activities we have planned with a smile on my face. Look for the pictures of old man Dave in a few days.

And since it is now well after midnight, happy birthday my love. :)

Trying

Warning: This will be long. But writing it down makes me not have to think about it all night instead of sleeping. I have had a really hard past couple of days. And maybe it is just that today has become so much more emotionally charged since I became a military wife and this year is especially sensitive because of where David now works. Maybe that's it, but I don't know. I have learned that most of our friends and family kind of expect us to have moved on by now. And while we do have good days occasionally (something we see as great progress), we still aren't totally moved on. And honestly I don't think we totally ever will be.

 I was originally stressed that some public announcement had been made about us at church when we weren't there in the few weeks that followed baby David's birth. I eventually found out that no announcement was made. We never actually told everyone at church that we were expecting as we were new in the ward and there never really was a time to say anything. Some people knew, but the majority did not. Part of me was thankful for that because no one would be asking me how the pregnancy was going. But now it is hard for me that people don't know. I actually like talking about him, and wish that people would take time to talk to me but no one does. Now I am being asked why we have been married for over three years and have no children. I also get asked why I don't work when we have no children at home. I used to work, and I loved my job. I even transferred within the company when we moved from San Diego to Washington DC earlier this year. But I had to quit my job when problems arose in my pregnancy. And now I just don't have the heart to go back when all of my job skills (and college degree) focus on working with families, and for me all I associate with families is extreme amounts of pain. I never tell them this though. And I never tell those who know about baby David and tell us to just try again,that for me that involves a lot more (think doctors, needles, pain, tests, medications, etc...) than it does for the average person.

I originally had a little bit of empty arms syndrome, but that wasn't where most of my pain was coming from in the beginning. It seems a lot more hurt is coming from that now though. I am having trouble seeing hope in the future, and I am having trouble finding purpose in my life. I really wish it was as simple as just "trying again" as people say, but unfortunately for us it never was that simple, and unfortunately for us moving on from this stage will not be simple either. Doctors try to give us hope for the future, but the truth is, they really can't. I have never heard "I don't know" from people who claim to be professionals more in my life than I have in the past year and a half. And that makes me feel really angry sometimes. I try not be angry at the doctors who I feel failed to help me when I asked for help. I try not to be angry at the hospital for failing me when I was there by not providing me with adequate tools and answers until weeks later. I try to not to feel angry that when I went to get shots last week instead of giving me my immunization record, they gave me the medical report on me and little David so I had to re-live it all again word for word. And I try not to be angry at all the parents in the world who are so blessed to have children and don't treat them the way they should be treated. And I try to not feel bitter toward those who judge me wrongly. I try, but I often fail. My house feels so empty and my heart does too. I attempted to fix things by turning what was to be the baby's room into something positive by making it a giant walk in closet. It keeps clothes from ending up on our bedroom floor because they didn't fit in our bulging tiny closet, but it did nothing to heal my need and desire to care for an infant. David told me its hard for him to see families when we go out, especially ones with babies. It is for me too. That's probably why we end up staying home most of the time. And probably why I have a list a mile long of things we need that we may never actually get around to picking up.

My last post was about our cousins coming to visit. While they were here we took them to see baby David's grave at the cemetery, something we like to do on Sunday afternoons. I appreciated so much that they let us share that with them, and I hope they could feel a small portion of his amazing spirit. In his short life he taught me so much about charity and eternal Christlike love. He taught me to look at people as God looks at them, and he helped me to better understand the Plan of Salvation. And he took with him a piece of my heart that will only be returned when we are reunited again.

1,2,3...6 Cupcakes

A couple weekends ago my cousin Landon and his wife Maegan came to visit us. It was Maegan's first time to DC, and we tried our best to see as much as possible. We failed at seeing everything, but I think we did a pretty good job. I will eventually find the camera to upload pictures from the trip and hopefully get Maegan to send me what she has, so I will save that post for later. This post is simply about cupcakes. And yes I do think cupcakes need their own post. We ventured out to Georgetown and ended up here:

 

You may not recognize it because on their TLC show they go by DC Cupcakes (and also I was messing around with the "old look" option on a photo editing website). We waited in line for about 20 minutes, but we figured we were already there and really we didn't have anything else to do right then. And of course cupcakes are delicious so we knew it would be worth it. Here we are after the wait with the goods:

I am totally in love with this picture. Aren't they the cutest!?

David and I ended up with four cupcakes. Maegan and Landon ended up with six. They probably had the right idea. We did wait all of that time after all, and there were SO many to choose from. We took them home and sat around for a few hours chatting and eating yummy cupcakes. That was one of my favorite parts of the weekend.

Their visit was exactly what we needed. We have been missing having family and friends nearby, and for an entire weekend my heart didn't ache so much and my spirit was not quite so burdened with fear. I love them for bringing that to me. And now I guess it is our turn to make a trip to North Carolina to visit them. :)

Oh, and if you were wondering, we still favor Sprinkles Cupcakes. And no we were not paid to say that.

Wondering Mind

Today I had to go in for my 6 week check up. I had to go alone this time because David had a big test to take at work. I don't know if I will ever get over being anxious when I am there. I know right now everything is still pretty fresh, but everything about it makes me feel overwhelmingly sad. Things were fine until I had to sit in the waiting area for 30 minutes. I could feel my anxiety slowly building and my palms getting sweaty, and pretty soon I was basically in full panic mode. Luckily the nurse came to get me to take my vitals right before things got really bad. After she stuck me in the room to wait for the doctor, I broke down in tears. My doctor there, Dr. Rowland, is very understanding thankfully. She walked in with a box a tissues and made sure she patiently answered all of my questions and let me know that she wouldn't leave until it was absolutely clear in my mind that I could not have done anything differently to prevent this and it was in no way a result of something I did or did not do. It will never be my fault.  She must have known my mind always wonders if it was my fault. My heart knows it wasn't, but sometimes my head isn't quite sure and likes to think about it for long amounts of time.

Even with Dr. Rowland's support and all the answers she gave me and encouragement for future pregnancies should we choose to try again, I still returned home feeling sad. I planned to put on a movie and lay down for a little bit, but the power was out so I decided to watch YouTube videos on my ipad until it was back on. I have had trouble sleeping ever since baby David was born. I mean I sleep great once I am actually asleep, but falling asleep is a major battle every single night. I usually go downstairs so David can sleep and look at pinterest (or the hilarious pintrosity blog) or I wiki different subjects or celebrities, but I also watch YouTube videos from time to time. I found a lovely video about Christ a little while ago, and I watch it often when I am feeling really sad. It includes my very favorite song. And it makes my spirit feel lighter.

Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8athR6fvshY&feature=youtube_gdata_player

It amazes me always that Christ did what He did, and lives now just for me; just for each of us individually. And even after all of that, He is never done serving us. It is hard to believe how much our knowledge can be expanded if we listen carefully and learn in the right way. And not just knowledge of heavenly things, but of earthly things as well. And I will be forever thankful for all of the times, in the past few weeks especially, that Christ has filled the holes of my broken heart and let me know that my precious child is never very far away because Heaven exists where covenants are kept and faithful families are eternally bound together in His holy house. We we are and we will be together eternally. And there is no comfort greater than that.