We finally got moved into our new place and all of the nursery furniture is now set up. The day after David set up the crib and unboxed the other furniture he went to work... and I sat in the middle of the room (still filled with boxes and styrofoam wrappings) and cried. I never imagined it would still hurt so bad. I never thought that seeing all these little things and nursery furniture would make losing my little boy so much more painful. Every day it seems my anxiety decreases a bit, but the pain increases a little more.
I feel bad that I am not enjoying this like I should be...like I am "supposed" to. I recently stumbled upon an old Ensign article called "The Refining Fire of Grief". It is actually about a woman who has a child with a severe seizure condition causing mental and physical disabilities, but many of her words touched my (also) broken heart. She describes how much pain she felt over her tiny son. In one part she said, "I was heartbroken...I felt like I was drowning in sorrow-sorrow that felt inescapable because it went hand in hand with my love for my precious child."
She then quoted Elder Lance B. Wickman who said "Grief is the natural by-product of love. One cannot selflessly love another person and not grieve at his...death. The only way to avoid the grief would be to not experience the love; and it is the love that gives life its richness and meaning." This especially spoke to me because it helped explain why the hurt was increasing. My love constantly grows. I now fully love two children instead of just one. And my little boy not being with me was a direct assault to my most sacred and tender feelings, the love for my child. I am slowly learning that grief is actually a godlike attribute that goes hand in hand with love. Jesus grieved when he was on the earth over the death of his friend Lazarus. In Isaiah it says that the Savior is "a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief". Grief in essence is a manifestation of Love, the same kind of love that our Heavenly Father has for us. My heart still hurts so much because I love that sweet baby so much.
The grief hurts. A lot. It is the most pain I have ever felt. But if not having the pain meant I didn't get to love this special child, then it wouldn't be worth it. Of course I wish I could have had a different lesson to learn more about Eternity and the way God works and His love for His children, but I hold tight to my knowledge that I got to learn all these lessons and I still will get to hold my little boy one day and look into his beautiful face and tell him how much I love him.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Where I am Right Now
I went back and forth for so long about announcing this pregnancy. I would list in my head all the reasons to do it and all the reasons not to do it. I would set a date in my mind of when I would tell the world and then get so stressed out about it, I would take it off the table again. Ask my husband, I changed my mind about 105 times. I live far enough away from friends and family that I could probably go a couple years without anyone actually knowing anything. I thought, I could just show up with a two year old one day and pretend like it was completely normal. And there are so many babies about to be born into my family (3 others in the same 3 month time span as my own) that I was feeling so self conscious about taking anything away from them and their happy news. I also did not want to add pain to family members who were experiencing fertility issues(because I completely understand that). And then there was the overwhelming guilt. The guilt of already having more successes with this little boy than I did with my first. The guilt that I was already making more memories with little brother than I had with baby David. The guilt that I felt for being such a bad mom to my first sweet baby. We even had to find a new place to live because I could not bear to even think about the possibility of bringing a baby home to a bedroom that wasn't meant for him, that was instead meant for someone else. And of course, every day there is a very present, very real, very large amount of fear consuming my mind. Fear that all the same things will happen all over again, fear that if they don't that everyone will just forget little David ever existed, and then there is my biggest fear of never getting to live with a complete family.
Between 23 and 24 weeks I had a major meltdown. I had just learned about the third family pregnancy (which isnt bad except for the fact that I had convinced myself that when too many good things happen, a very bad thing is bound to occur at any second) and this week was what I had called from the very beginning "critical week" for me. If I made it to 25 weeks, I would be in uncharted territory so to speak, but I would also be in safer waters. I had so many real and perceived insecurities. The fear was overwhelming most of the time. I cried a lot. More than I had in months. David was really patient though. And I was so thankful for that. I started looking for a pregnancy after loss support groups online. I found something called the "Where I am Now" project. It is basically a blog for those who have lost infants. It allows different people to post on it, describing where they are right now, in that exact moment. Which all of us who have gone through this know, can change from day to day and sometimes even minute to minute. I was surprised to see so many of my personal thoughts painted across the pages of other people's stories. It is so hard when everyone in your world has moved on, and therefore thinks you should have too, but these women understood me. They understood how much my heart still ached, and how I still have so many moments of such severe pain it makes breathing difficult.
But back to how I made my decision to announce baby #2. I was reading on the "where I am now" blog that several of these mothers who were going through a pregnancy after loss were not allowing themselves to believe it was real or were so afraid of replacing that first child. I do that too. I don't want to buy any baby stuff, or make plans for the future, or discuss dates and times and events, or even think of names (which David has been really pressing me about doing... something about him believing the baby needs a name the second it is born because he doesn't just want to call him baby) I just don't want any of it. I mean I feel the baby move, I know he is there, and I freak out if I don't feel him move for longer than 10 minutes, but I also convince my mind that it is not my baby. There is nothing there, and even if there is surely something bad is going to happen any second so I shouldn't get too attached. It took these women weeks, and sometimes months AFTER their new baby was born to even call him/her by their name. To acknowledge that they were just as much a part of the family as that angel child is, and to hold the new little on in their arms and no longer feel that overwhelming guilt and be able to love that child just as much as the first and know that they aren't "cheating" on their first loves. The more I read, the more I didn't want that for my little boy. I dont judge those mothers in any way for this because I know how crippling their fears are and how much pain their mere mortal hearts have endured and continued to endure. This new little one's older brother will always be my first. He will always be the one that changed my heart to that of a mother's, and changed my life with his perfect sweet spirit. He will always be the one that let me see Heaven and beautiful glimpses of eternity. But I love this baby too. I pray the same prayers for him that I prayed for his brother. I cherish those quiet moments when it is just me and him just like I did with baby David. And mostly I want to be able to hold him the first day of his life and acknowledge to myself that he is mine too, that he is loved too, and that all of that does not take away anything from d3. And mostly i had to come to terms with the fact that nobody knows our first little one like we do. Nobody will ever care as much as we do. And if he matters just to us that is okay and I will not have to melt down every time someone sees (or says out loud as has happened a few times already) his short sweet life as meaningless. I will admit, I am not completely there right now. But before you get all judgy and upset, know that I am trying and have come a very long way. Even allowing myself to tell other people about baby boy #2 is some serious progress for me. I hope that I will be able to tell little brother about his big brother but not feel the overwhelming guilt every second about one little boy being here and another not being here.
Where I am right now:
Right now I feel blessed. Through all the pain and fear there have been blessings. There have been many quiet moments of peace where we have totally and completely relinquished ourselves to God's will, when our wants and desires were perfectly aligned with the wants and desires that our Heavenly Father has for us, and in those moments, there was no fear. We continue to prepare our hearts to love another; to expand our family from three to four. There are still moments of pain and sadness and we still do not know if we will be able to get to know this child in this life, or like with our first, we will have to wait until the next, but we are trying to trust that whatever happens is all part of the bigger plan. But for today, in this moment, I mostly feel so much love... for ALL of my boys.
Between 23 and 24 weeks I had a major meltdown. I had just learned about the third family pregnancy (which isnt bad except for the fact that I had convinced myself that when too many good things happen, a very bad thing is bound to occur at any second) and this week was what I had called from the very beginning "critical week" for me. If I made it to 25 weeks, I would be in uncharted territory so to speak, but I would also be in safer waters. I had so many real and perceived insecurities. The fear was overwhelming most of the time. I cried a lot. More than I had in months. David was really patient though. And I was so thankful for that. I started looking for a pregnancy after loss support groups online. I found something called the "Where I am Now" project. It is basically a blog for those who have lost infants. It allows different people to post on it, describing where they are right now, in that exact moment. Which all of us who have gone through this know, can change from day to day and sometimes even minute to minute. I was surprised to see so many of my personal thoughts painted across the pages of other people's stories. It is so hard when everyone in your world has moved on, and therefore thinks you should have too, but these women understood me. They understood how much my heart still ached, and how I still have so many moments of such severe pain it makes breathing difficult.
But back to how I made my decision to announce baby #2. I was reading on the "where I am now" blog that several of these mothers who were going through a pregnancy after loss were not allowing themselves to believe it was real or were so afraid of replacing that first child. I do that too. I don't want to buy any baby stuff, or make plans for the future, or discuss dates and times and events, or even think of names (which David has been really pressing me about doing... something about him believing the baby needs a name the second it is born because he doesn't just want to call him baby) I just don't want any of it. I mean I feel the baby move, I know he is there, and I freak out if I don't feel him move for longer than 10 minutes, but I also convince my mind that it is not my baby. There is nothing there, and even if there is surely something bad is going to happen any second so I shouldn't get too attached. It took these women weeks, and sometimes months AFTER their new baby was born to even call him/her by their name. To acknowledge that they were just as much a part of the family as that angel child is, and to hold the new little on in their arms and no longer feel that overwhelming guilt and be able to love that child just as much as the first and know that they aren't "cheating" on their first loves. The more I read, the more I didn't want that for my little boy. I dont judge those mothers in any way for this because I know how crippling their fears are and how much pain their mere mortal hearts have endured and continued to endure. This new little one's older brother will always be my first. He will always be the one that changed my heart to that of a mother's, and changed my life with his perfect sweet spirit. He will always be the one that let me see Heaven and beautiful glimpses of eternity. But I love this baby too. I pray the same prayers for him that I prayed for his brother. I cherish those quiet moments when it is just me and him just like I did with baby David. And mostly I want to be able to hold him the first day of his life and acknowledge to myself that he is mine too, that he is loved too, and that all of that does not take away anything from d3. And mostly i had to come to terms with the fact that nobody knows our first little one like we do. Nobody will ever care as much as we do. And if he matters just to us that is okay and I will not have to melt down every time someone sees (or says out loud as has happened a few times already) his short sweet life as meaningless. I will admit, I am not completely there right now. But before you get all judgy and upset, know that I am trying and have come a very long way. Even allowing myself to tell other people about baby boy #2 is some serious progress for me. I hope that I will be able to tell little brother about his big brother but not feel the overwhelming guilt every second about one little boy being here and another not being here.
Where I am right now:
Right now I feel blessed. Through all the pain and fear there have been blessings. There have been many quiet moments of peace where we have totally and completely relinquished ourselves to God's will, when our wants and desires were perfectly aligned with the wants and desires that our Heavenly Father has for us, and in those moments, there was no fear. We continue to prepare our hearts to love another; to expand our family from three to four. There are still moments of pain and sadness and we still do not know if we will be able to get to know this child in this life, or like with our first, we will have to wait until the next, but we are trying to trust that whatever happens is all part of the bigger plan. But for today, in this moment, I mostly feel so much love... for ALL of my boys.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Concrete Jungle
This past weekend we met my family in New York where they had been spending their spring break. It also happened to be Easter Weekend. The weather was a little cold (and sometimes rainy) but we had a great time. David especially loved everything. He must have told me 50 times that he could definitely live there. I however, could not. So I don't see it happening. We took a lot of pictures, but less than I wanted to. It was harder getting around than I thought it would be. I have been so proud that I have had absolutely no swelling in this pregnancy, but that all changed. After several hours of walking, my feet definitely got a little puffy and needed a break. But we still saw and did a lot. Even more than the pictures show because we kept forgetting the camera.
Driving into the city.
Serendipity. :)
FAO Schwarz candy store.
FAO main store
Cutest little fire truck!
The giant piano is back there on the floor. Didn't wait in the long line to try it out though. If we had 250,000 dollars we could have bought our own. Too bad we don't.
The story of Lisa in New York.
David picking out stories for baby. This is "Where the Wild Things Are".
I LOVED the Easter stuff up on all the churches in the city.
Times Square. Crazy crowded.
Chinese people in times square picketing for democracy in China. They will need a lot of help to do this, but we approve.
Where the BYU team was staying. Sad they lost. :(
more Times Square.
Hershey store! yum!
Statue at 9/11 memorial. this statue was found in the rubble covered in ash and dirt.
9/11 memorial.
One World Trade Center. Almost done.
Chelsea market. LOVED it so much.
Strawberry Fields
Central Park Zoo...the LAMEST zoo in America. There were basically no animals.
Leaving NYC. I am sure we will be back because David LOVES it so much.
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