Warning: This will be long. But writing it down makes me not have to think about it all night instead of sleeping. I have had a really hard past couple of days. And maybe it is just that today has become so much more emotionally charged since I became a military wife and this year is especially sensitive because of where David now works. Maybe that's it, but I don't know. I have learned that most of our friends and family kind of expect us to have moved on by now. And while we do have good days occasionally (something we see as great progress), we still aren't totally moved on. And honestly I don't think we totally ever will be.
I was originally stressed that some public announcement had been made about us at church when we weren't there in the few weeks that followed baby David's birth. I eventually found out that no announcement was made. We never actually told everyone at church that we were expecting as we were new in the ward and there never really was a time to say anything. Some people knew, but the majority did not. Part of me was thankful for that because no one would be asking me how the pregnancy was going. But now it is hard for me that people don't know. I actually like talking about him, and wish that people would take time to talk to me but no one does. Now I am being asked why we have been married for over three years and have no children. I also get asked why I don't work when we have no children at home. I used to work, and I loved my job. I even transferred within the company when we moved from San Diego to Washington DC earlier this year. But I had to quit my job when problems arose in my pregnancy. And now I just don't have the heart to go back when all of my job skills (and college degree) focus on working with families, and for me all I associate with families is extreme amounts of pain. I never tell them this though. And I never tell those who know about baby David and tell us to just try again,that for me that involves a lot more (think doctors, needles, pain, tests, medications, etc...) than it does for the average person.
I originally had a little bit of empty arms syndrome, but that wasn't where most of my pain was coming from in the beginning. It seems a lot more hurt is coming from that now though. I am having trouble seeing hope in the future, and I am having trouble finding purpose in my life. I really wish it was as simple as just "trying again" as people say, but unfortunately for us it never was that simple, and unfortunately for us moving on from this stage will not be simple either. Doctors try to give us hope for the future, but the truth is, they really can't. I have never heard "I don't know" from people who claim to be professionals more in my life than I have in the past year and a half. And that makes me feel really angry sometimes. I try not be angry at the doctors who I feel failed to help me when I asked for help. I try not to be angry at the hospital for failing me when I was there by not providing me with adequate tools and answers until weeks later. I try to not to feel angry that when I went to get shots last week instead of giving me my immunization record, they gave me the medical report on me and little David so I had to re-live it all again word for word. And I try not to be angry at all the parents in the world who are so blessed to have children and don't treat them the way they should be treated. And I try to not feel bitter toward those who judge me wrongly. I try, but I often fail. My house feels so empty and my heart does too. I attempted to fix things by turning what was to be the baby's room into something positive by making it a giant walk in closet. It keeps clothes from ending up on our bedroom floor because they didn't fit in our bulging tiny closet, but it did nothing to heal my need and desire to care for an infant. David told me its hard for him to see families when we go out, especially ones with babies. It is for me too. That's probably why we end up staying home most of the time. And probably why I have a list a mile long of things we need that we may never actually get around to picking up.
My last post was about our cousins coming to visit. While they were here we took them to see baby David's grave at the cemetery, something we like to do on Sunday afternoons. I appreciated so much that they let us share that with them, and I hope they could feel a small portion of his amazing spirit. In his short life he taught me so much about charity and eternal Christlike love. He taught me to look at people as God looks at them, and he helped me to better understand the Plan of Salvation. And he took with him a piece of my heart that will only be returned when we are reunited again.
I was originally stressed that some public announcement had been made about us at church when we weren't there in the few weeks that followed baby David's birth. I eventually found out that no announcement was made. We never actually told everyone at church that we were expecting as we were new in the ward and there never really was a time to say anything. Some people knew, but the majority did not. Part of me was thankful for that because no one would be asking me how the pregnancy was going. But now it is hard for me that people don't know. I actually like talking about him, and wish that people would take time to talk to me but no one does. Now I am being asked why we have been married for over three years and have no children. I also get asked why I don't work when we have no children at home. I used to work, and I loved my job. I even transferred within the company when we moved from San Diego to Washington DC earlier this year. But I had to quit my job when problems arose in my pregnancy. And now I just don't have the heart to go back when all of my job skills (and college degree) focus on working with families, and for me all I associate with families is extreme amounts of pain. I never tell them this though. And I never tell those who know about baby David and tell us to just try again,that for me that involves a lot more (think doctors, needles, pain, tests, medications, etc...) than it does for the average person.
I originally had a little bit of empty arms syndrome, but that wasn't where most of my pain was coming from in the beginning. It seems a lot more hurt is coming from that now though. I am having trouble seeing hope in the future, and I am having trouble finding purpose in my life. I really wish it was as simple as just "trying again" as people say, but unfortunately for us it never was that simple, and unfortunately for us moving on from this stage will not be simple either. Doctors try to give us hope for the future, but the truth is, they really can't. I have never heard "I don't know" from people who claim to be professionals more in my life than I have in the past year and a half. And that makes me feel really angry sometimes. I try not be angry at the doctors who I feel failed to help me when I asked for help. I try not to be angry at the hospital for failing me when I was there by not providing me with adequate tools and answers until weeks later. I try to not to feel angry that when I went to get shots last week instead of giving me my immunization record, they gave me the medical report on me and little David so I had to re-live it all again word for word. And I try not to be angry at all the parents in the world who are so blessed to have children and don't treat them the way they should be treated. And I try to not feel bitter toward those who judge me wrongly. I try, but I often fail. My house feels so empty and my heart does too. I attempted to fix things by turning what was to be the baby's room into something positive by making it a giant walk in closet. It keeps clothes from ending up on our bedroom floor because they didn't fit in our bulging tiny closet, but it did nothing to heal my need and desire to care for an infant. David told me its hard for him to see families when we go out, especially ones with babies. It is for me too. That's probably why we end up staying home most of the time. And probably why I have a list a mile long of things we need that we may never actually get around to picking up.
My last post was about our cousins coming to visit. While they were here we took them to see baby David's grave at the cemetery, something we like to do on Sunday afternoons. I appreciated so much that they let us share that with them, and I hope they could feel a small portion of his amazing spirit. In his short life he taught me so much about charity and eternal Christlike love. He taught me to look at people as God looks at them, and he helped me to better understand the Plan of Salvation. And he took with him a piece of my heart that will only be returned when we are reunited again.
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