Just 3 more

Only three days left of the worst year ever. I keep telling myself that when next year comes things will get better. I know it isn't entirely true though. January doesn't erase the pain of the last year and it doesn't eliminate fear of the future. I can only hope that 2013 has less tears and more smiles than 2012 did. 

That kind of Love

Over the past few months I have had people comment to me about my bravery in expressing my thoughts and feelings surrounding the passing of my little boy. There have been a few that have said they too have lost children and were glad to know they are not alone in their feelings. And I am glad that I have been able to help others. But I still mostly write this blog for myself, and that is the main reason I have to be so honest.

Today I opened a small christmas tree I ordered weeks ago to place in the cemetery for the holiday season.  I cried when I saw it. And got frustrated that it still hurts so much. I have had a lot of emotions coming up as Christmas nears and the year (finally) comes to a close. I have been trying really hard to feel thankful. I have tried to remember that trials in this life are for our benefit but sometimes I end up feeling like Heavenly Father is a big bully and no matter how much I beg and plead for certain things and for healing I won't get it because it isn't His time and He doesn't quite feel like it yet so he joyfully watches me suffer. Before you start cursing me for blasphemy, I know that isn't actually case, I just feel like that sometimes.  There are days when I just want to wallow in my pain and sorrow and not endure like I am supposed to. There are other days when I am just downright angry at the universe that because of this trial I have lost most of my friends but still have to watch them have healthy babies.  In the moments I needed help the most, I was left feeling completely alone. It is hard, but I have to keep reminding myself that everyone has trials that I cannot see. ALL of the people I know are not perfectly happy, even if it appears that way to me. Though most I know have the things that I desire most, they still may not have the things that they desire most. And I have to remember that Heavenly Father knows me and perfectly understands my trials, especially this one. I did not have the power to save the son I love so deeply from death (though there are still many days that I blame myself for it), but He had the power to save His precious child and chose not to because He knew what was best for him and for all of us. How His heart must have broken. And how much love must He have for all of us. That kind of love I don't even understand, none of us do.

It hurts to know that the pain will never really go away. It makes this life which is already difficult that much harder to endure. Today is one of the days when I feel like I just want to be done. And maybe tomorrow will be too. But I hope when I get to the end, whenever that is, that I can look back and think "that wasn't so bad" and maybe I will even have some very happy memories too. 

Merry and Bright

Christmas snuck up on me faster than I thought it would. In some ways time is passing quickly, and in some it is not. Most days I don't even know what day of the week it is. I didn't want to celebrate Christmas this year at all really, I mean the commercial aspect of it. David, however, loves the holiday and insisted that we set up the tree anyway and I also made cookies just to make his day merry and bright.

I do try hard to focus on Christ each day and especially around Christmas time, but this year has been a little different. I find my thoughts turning toward Mary often. She was so brave. She must have suffered so much judgement by others and so many harsh words by a multitude of people who did not understand her situation. But I don't think that is where her real trial was, and I don't believe it was in raising that precious child either. I think the hardest moments came later. Even though I am sure that her sweet boy explained the plan to her many times and showed her what His purpose in living was, the day His life ended was probably the hardest day of Mary's life. Because in that moment, with all the knowledge that she had, she was just a mom missing her little boy and feeling that deep pain of separation that is felt when those we love the most are no longer here with us. And even with all the hatred around her, she never lost her faith. There are a lot of days I wish I had faith like Mary. I wish I was brave like her too. I appreciate that sacrifice so much more now that I better understand how it affected His mother and also His Father. It must have been necessary. It must have been so important. There must have been no other way, otherwise His lovely mother would have taken His place or His powerful Father would have spared His boy from the pain and spared Himself from the separation. I love Christ and His sweet mother who gave birth to him so many years ago in a humble stable in Bethlehem, and I am so glad the whole world comes together to celebrate this miracle every year.

(the tree is in the background but we are so huge apparently we block it.)