I should be sleeping, but I can't. Not that it is abnormal for me to not be able to sleep. It has become pretty normal for me. But tonight is particularly hard for some reason. Usually it isn't a big deal because I don't have anything to do the next day. But tomorrow I do. Tomorrow, all day long, I have promised myself that I will wear my best happy face in honor of my husband's 29th birthday. I told him I was going to make this year a big deal for him and document everything from his birthday on, so when he complains about getting old (he does thus often, he is ridiculous) I can show him how much fun he has been having. Hopefully I will actually follow through.
It is getting harder for me to see baby announcements or hear friends talk about their children or upcoming due dates. I feel like everyone has lives that are moving forward and I am just stuck here. I keep praying to know what I am supposed to do next, and I trust that Heavenly Father will help me figure it out eventually, but for now I feel pretty lost. I find it interesting that in general, people don't really care about others. For example, a general greeting is "how are you doing?" but we never want people to actually tell us how they are. In fact the person is considered strange if they respond with anything other than a normal "fine" or "good". That has always bothered me actually. I find myself getting asked often how I am doing these days. And I generally find that people do not actually care to know. But occasionalpeople retain people will make me feel like they do care to know, and sometimes I will answer them with how I actually feel. And most often there isn't really a reply or response. Painful. This has me wondering now, why when bad things happen do we suddenly forget how to hold conversations with people? Why do we forget that we are all human and can therefore express empathy, an emotion/reaction that does not require us to actually have experienced another person's life exactly as they did? And do we suddenly forget that we do know how it feels to go through trials in life? It is as if people think that if they don't talk about it, I will somehow forget that my baby died. But I am thinking about it all the time anyway so it is actually exhausting when people want to act like he didn't exist. They don't realize how healing it is to just be able to talk. That is why I blog. So people don't have to feel awkward about possibly receiving a truthful response when they ask how I am doing.
I know it is hard. I realize now why it is specifically mentioned in the scriptures that part of becoming Christ's people is being able to "mourn with those who mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort". It is hard to express feelings to others. And it truly is a gift of the spirit to be able to show empathy. I have really appreciated those who have offered kind words of support, especially those who I have not spoken to in years. And I am going to try my best to develop that particular spiritual talent of mourning with those that mourn because I have been learning how important that is in following the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know there are those who are struggling and praying for comfort, possibly even people close to me. I hope that I will be able to be an instrument in the Lord's hands for answering some of those prayers as people have been answers to mine at times. I think I have lost some of my fear about supporting others in their trials. I hope people realize that even the most awkward expressions of love and sympathy are so appreciated. And sometimes words are not even needed if someone is sincere in offering a listening ear.
And now I am going to pray for about the hundredth time today, and attempt to join my softly snoring (a trait he has picked up in the past year) husband in dream land. I hope tomorrow will feel better. And I hope I will have gotten enough rest to do all of the birthday activities we have planned with a smile on my face. Look for the pictures of old man Dave in a few days.
And since it is now well after midnight, happy birthday my love. :)
It is getting harder for me to see baby announcements or hear friends talk about their children or upcoming due dates. I feel like everyone has lives that are moving forward and I am just stuck here. I keep praying to know what I am supposed to do next, and I trust that Heavenly Father will help me figure it out eventually, but for now I feel pretty lost. I find it interesting that in general, people don't really care about others. For example, a general greeting is "how are you doing?" but we never want people to actually tell us how they are. In fact the person is considered strange if they respond with anything other than a normal "fine" or "good". That has always bothered me actually. I find myself getting asked often how I am doing these days. And I generally find that people do not actually care to know. But occasionalpeople retain people will make me feel like they do care to know, and sometimes I will answer them with how I actually feel. And most often there isn't really a reply or response. Painful. This has me wondering now, why when bad things happen do we suddenly forget how to hold conversations with people? Why do we forget that we are all human and can therefore express empathy, an emotion/reaction that does not require us to actually have experienced another person's life exactly as they did? And do we suddenly forget that we do know how it feels to go through trials in life? It is as if people think that if they don't talk about it, I will somehow forget that my baby died. But I am thinking about it all the time anyway so it is actually exhausting when people want to act like he didn't exist. They don't realize how healing it is to just be able to talk. That is why I blog. So people don't have to feel awkward about possibly receiving a truthful response when they ask how I am doing.
I know it is hard. I realize now why it is specifically mentioned in the scriptures that part of becoming Christ's people is being able to "mourn with those who mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort". It is hard to express feelings to others. And it truly is a gift of the spirit to be able to show empathy. I have really appreciated those who have offered kind words of support, especially those who I have not spoken to in years. And I am going to try my best to develop that particular spiritual talent of mourning with those that mourn because I have been learning how important that is in following the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know there are those who are struggling and praying for comfort, possibly even people close to me. I hope that I will be able to be an instrument in the Lord's hands for answering some of those prayers as people have been answers to mine at times. I think I have lost some of my fear about supporting others in their trials. I hope people realize that even the most awkward expressions of love and sympathy are so appreciated. And sometimes words are not even needed if someone is sincere in offering a listening ear.
And now I am going to pray for about the hundredth time today, and attempt to join my softly snoring (a trait he has picked up in the past year) husband in dream land. I hope tomorrow will feel better. And I hope I will have gotten enough rest to do all of the birthday activities we have planned with a smile on my face. Look for the pictures of old man Dave in a few days.
And since it is now well after midnight, happy birthday my love. :)
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