Some Day

Someday, somewhere down the road (hopefully a short while off) a Sunday will pass without a painful emotional meltdown. Today is not quite that Sunday. But it will be... Some day.

Happy Valentines Day!

Today is Valentine's day. I got to wake up to flowers from my sweetie and later he is taking me to get a pedicure and then out to dinner. I can't wait! Usually Valentine's day isn't that big of a deal for me. And we definitely do not wait for February 14th to tell each other how much we love and appreciate one another. But this year, especially after the rough year we have had, today will be a really nice chance for us to get a little dressed up and reflect on how no matter what happens, no matter what trials we are given, no matter how rough the road gets, we are in this together... forever. So happy day of LOVE everyone! Make sure you enjoy your sweethearts. 

Half-Birthday

The other day David and I went to the medical center/hospital where I delivered because I had a wicked bad cough that was keeping me up all night (which he then caught from me the very next day, ugh). David commented that it was so strange that it had been almost 5 months since d3 was born. I reminded him that it had actually been almost 6 months. He quietly did some calculations in his head (and maybe used a couple fingers) and then responded, "yeah, you are right". It was an interesting moment. One in which we both realized that life had in fact gone on, and at the same time had not. We often wonder what our little guy would be like now. Would he be sprouting tiny teeth? Would he recognize us and smile at our lame attempts to make him laugh? Would his personality be shining through? Sometimes I wish I had more memories with him. I wish I knew his likes and dislikes. I wish I had stories to share about him with his (future) younger siblings so that they could know him too. But even with all the pain and the heartache and the large amount of tears that have already fallen and will continue to fall, we are so thankful for the short amount of time we had with our sweet little boy. Happy Half Birthday little man. We miss you a lot and love you forever.

Lucky 13

Happy 2013!  We had a very low key New Year this year. It was odd to have the ball actually drop at midnight. And even more odd that people actually make watching that their main event. I am so used to that being the thing that starts the party. Watch the ball drop THEN go out to whatever event. But doing nothing was nice. We pretty much just sat in bed watching Netflix until about 11:30, then we watched the ball drop and went right back to watching movies. I am actually surprised the hubs even made it to midnight since he only got about 4 hours of sleep. Oh and we had a midnight toast of Sparkling Grape Juice and of course the traditional midnight smooch. :) (phone photos=low quality)

New Years eve we went out to the cemetery to collect the small christmas tree we had out for the past month. They throw them all away on New Years Day and we want to use the same one again next year. When we got there we discovered someone had also added a Christmas wreath and a small bunch of red flowers (that are hiding behind the wreath in this picture and the tree had already been removed).

The nice thing about military cemeteries is there is usually someone around even if you are not to bring nice things. I sometimes freak out whenever I think about moving away from here, which will eventually happen because that is just how military life goes. But it definitely warmed my heart to see this, and was a comfort to know that if we are gone there will be caring people there.

I have been trying really hard to not have expectations this year. I did not set any new years resolutions because we more focus on the day to day around here now. And I find that things never happen quite how we want them to, so if I do not expect this year to be better than last year, I will not be disappointed if it doesn't happen. At the same time, I also was hoping to feel different once January 1st hit. But I felt about the same except for the fact that my husband pointed out to me that a new year means we are getting older. uh thanks dear.  He also pointed out that there was a lot of pain and sadness in 2012, but there were a lot of blessings too. That is why we need Eternal companions. To remind us of the Eternal things that we can sometimes forget. 2012 was definitely a lesson in faith and hope for us, and instead of working on something new for 2013, we are just going to continue with that.

So here is to Lucky '13. No expectations, just HOPE and FAITH.  No attempts at perfection this year. No disappointments when we fail.  We will just do the very best we can with the blessings and trials we are given.

2013 Wallace Family Theme

"Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety HOPE for a better world (or year) yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which HOPE cometh of FAITH and maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abouding in good works, being led to glorify God." Book of Mormon- Ether 12:4

If you would like a free copy of the book from which our 2013 theme comes from, click here. 

Just 3 more

Only three days left of the worst year ever. I keep telling myself that when next year comes things will get better. I know it isn't entirely true though. January doesn't erase the pain of the last year and it doesn't eliminate fear of the future. I can only hope that 2013 has less tears and more smiles than 2012 did. 

That kind of Love

Over the past few months I have had people comment to me about my bravery in expressing my thoughts and feelings surrounding the passing of my little boy. There have been a few that have said they too have lost children and were glad to know they are not alone in their feelings. And I am glad that I have been able to help others. But I still mostly write this blog for myself, and that is the main reason I have to be so honest.

Today I opened a small christmas tree I ordered weeks ago to place in the cemetery for the holiday season.  I cried when I saw it. And got frustrated that it still hurts so much. I have had a lot of emotions coming up as Christmas nears and the year (finally) comes to a close. I have been trying really hard to feel thankful. I have tried to remember that trials in this life are for our benefit but sometimes I end up feeling like Heavenly Father is a big bully and no matter how much I beg and plead for certain things and for healing I won't get it because it isn't His time and He doesn't quite feel like it yet so he joyfully watches me suffer. Before you start cursing me for blasphemy, I know that isn't actually case, I just feel like that sometimes.  There are days when I just want to wallow in my pain and sorrow and not endure like I am supposed to. There are other days when I am just downright angry at the universe that because of this trial I have lost most of my friends but still have to watch them have healthy babies.  In the moments I needed help the most, I was left feeling completely alone. It is hard, but I have to keep reminding myself that everyone has trials that I cannot see. ALL of the people I know are not perfectly happy, even if it appears that way to me. Though most I know have the things that I desire most, they still may not have the things that they desire most. And I have to remember that Heavenly Father knows me and perfectly understands my trials, especially this one. I did not have the power to save the son I love so deeply from death (though there are still many days that I blame myself for it), but He had the power to save His precious child and chose not to because He knew what was best for him and for all of us. How His heart must have broken. And how much love must He have for all of us. That kind of love I don't even understand, none of us do.

It hurts to know that the pain will never really go away. It makes this life which is already difficult that much harder to endure. Today is one of the days when I feel like I just want to be done. And maybe tomorrow will be too. But I hope when I get to the end, whenever that is, that I can look back and think "that wasn't so bad" and maybe I will even have some very happy memories too. 

Merry and Bright

Christmas snuck up on me faster than I thought it would. In some ways time is passing quickly, and in some it is not. Most days I don't even know what day of the week it is. I didn't want to celebrate Christmas this year at all really, I mean the commercial aspect of it. David, however, loves the holiday and insisted that we set up the tree anyway and I also made cookies just to make his day merry and bright.

I do try hard to focus on Christ each day and especially around Christmas time, but this year has been a little different. I find my thoughts turning toward Mary often. She was so brave. She must have suffered so much judgement by others and so many harsh words by a multitude of people who did not understand her situation. But I don't think that is where her real trial was, and I don't believe it was in raising that precious child either. I think the hardest moments came later. Even though I am sure that her sweet boy explained the plan to her many times and showed her what His purpose in living was, the day His life ended was probably the hardest day of Mary's life. Because in that moment, with all the knowledge that she had, she was just a mom missing her little boy and feeling that deep pain of separation that is felt when those we love the most are no longer here with us. And even with all the hatred around her, she never lost her faith. There are a lot of days I wish I had faith like Mary. I wish I was brave like her too. I appreciate that sacrifice so much more now that I better understand how it affected His mother and also His Father. It must have been necessary. It must have been so important. There must have been no other way, otherwise His lovely mother would have taken His place or His powerful Father would have spared His boy from the pain and spared Himself from the separation. I love Christ and His sweet mother who gave birth to him so many years ago in a humble stable in Bethlehem, and I am so glad the whole world comes together to celebrate this miracle every year.

(the tree is in the background but we are so huge apparently we block it.)