Over the past few months I have had people comment to me about my bravery in expressing my thoughts and feelings surrounding the passing of my little boy. There have been a few that have said they too have lost children and were glad to know they are not alone in their feelings. And I am glad that I have been able to help others. But I still mostly write this blog for myself, and that is the main reason I have to be so honest.
Today I opened a small christmas tree I ordered weeks ago to place in the cemetery for the holiday season. I cried when I saw it. And got frustrated that it still hurts so much. I have had a lot of emotions coming up as Christmas nears and the year (finally) comes to a close. I have been trying really hard to feel thankful. I have tried to remember that trials in this life are for our benefit but sometimes I end up feeling like Heavenly Father is a big bully and no matter how much I beg and plead for certain things and for healing I won't get it because it isn't His time and He doesn't quite feel like it yet so he joyfully watches me suffer. Before you start cursing me for blasphemy, I know that isn't actually case, I just feel like that sometimes. There are days when I just want to wallow in my pain and sorrow and not endure like I am supposed to. There are other days when I am just downright angry at the universe that because of this trial I have lost most of my friends but still have to watch them have healthy babies. In the moments I needed help the most, I was left feeling completely alone. It is hard, but I have to keep reminding myself that everyone has trials that I cannot see. ALL of the people I know are not perfectly happy, even if it appears that way to me. Though most I know have the things that I desire most, they still may not have the things that they desire most. And I have to remember that Heavenly Father knows me and perfectly understands my trials, especially this one. I did not have the power to save the son I love so deeply from death (though there are still many days that I blame myself for it), but He had the power to save His precious child and chose not to because He knew what was best for him and for all of us. How His heart must have broken. And how much love must He have for all of us. That kind of love I don't even understand, none of us do.
It hurts to know that the pain will never really go away. It makes this life which is already difficult that much harder to endure. Today is one of the days when I feel like I just want to be done. And maybe tomorrow will be too. But I hope when I get to the end, whenever that is, that I can look back and think "that wasn't so bad" and maybe I will even have some very happy memories too.
Today I opened a small christmas tree I ordered weeks ago to place in the cemetery for the holiday season. I cried when I saw it. And got frustrated that it still hurts so much. I have had a lot of emotions coming up as Christmas nears and the year (finally) comes to a close. I have been trying really hard to feel thankful. I have tried to remember that trials in this life are for our benefit but sometimes I end up feeling like Heavenly Father is a big bully and no matter how much I beg and plead for certain things and for healing I won't get it because it isn't His time and He doesn't quite feel like it yet so he joyfully watches me suffer. Before you start cursing me for blasphemy, I know that isn't actually case, I just feel like that sometimes. There are days when I just want to wallow in my pain and sorrow and not endure like I am supposed to. There are other days when I am just downright angry at the universe that because of this trial I have lost most of my friends but still have to watch them have healthy babies. In the moments I needed help the most, I was left feeling completely alone. It is hard, but I have to keep reminding myself that everyone has trials that I cannot see. ALL of the people I know are not perfectly happy, even if it appears that way to me. Though most I know have the things that I desire most, they still may not have the things that they desire most. And I have to remember that Heavenly Father knows me and perfectly understands my trials, especially this one. I did not have the power to save the son I love so deeply from death (though there are still many days that I blame myself for it), but He had the power to save His precious child and chose not to because He knew what was best for him and for all of us. How His heart must have broken. And how much love must He have for all of us. That kind of love I don't even understand, none of us do.
It hurts to know that the pain will never really go away. It makes this life which is already difficult that much harder to endure. Today is one of the days when I feel like I just want to be done. And maybe tomorrow will be too. But I hope when I get to the end, whenever that is, that I can look back and think "that wasn't so bad" and maybe I will even have some very happy memories too.
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