2 years

My Sweet Little One,

Happy Birthday! I can't believe it has been two years since I held you and looked at your sweet little face. My heart grew 5 sizes that day, but it also broke in half. The last two years without you haven't been easy. I miss you every single day. Last night I had a dream that you and Jax were wrestling like brothers do. It must have been happening in Heaven because you are not here, and Jax may never have that ability. Its good to know that some things won't ever change though. I know over the years that Jax will miss you also. But because of you, I am a better mom to him. I have more patience and more love. I have a more thankful heart, and through all of our trials and Jax's problems, I am better able to love him like God loves him. All because you taught me that. We went to visit you on Saturday. Jax thought it was a really fun party. I just kept thinking that next year will be our last year here with you, and my heart got really sad. I know its not really you underneath that headstone, but its still such a special place for us, and it will be hard to leave. Before we went to visit you we stopped at our favorite little nursery to pick you up some pretty flowers. I found some "forget me nots" which were perfect for you with their tiny blue flowers and thoughtful name. They ended up being free, which I take as I sign you haven't forgotten us either.

I always imagine what life would be like if you were here now. Would you and Jax have fun together? Would you watch out for your little brother? A few weeks ago I got so angry that you weren't here when it became evident that Jax will probably have health and develop problems his entire life. I was mad there was no one to protect him from the mean kids at school and all the places that his mom won't be. I felt like we needed you. But I know you are needed more where you are. And I am sure you are a great and valiant spirit doing great work.

I made you a chocolate cake. I don't really know what kind of cake you would like, but your dad loves chocolate cake (and so do I) so I figured you would too. This year feels so different than last year, and yet also the same. Last year the wounds were still really big and fresh. And this year they aren't as big, but they feel just as fresh. My memories of you are so vivid it almost feels like it was yesterday that I cradled you in my arms. Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought of you, and not a second has passed that I haven't loved you. Today I am one year closer to holding you again. I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to that. I love you my boy.

Love, Mom