YOU are His Child

**I started this post about 3 weeks ago now and just never published because it felt unfinished. I decided to just finish it now.

I am back in Primary (serving with the children in church). At first I was upset about it because I really just wanted to be back with the adults again and be able to make friends and connections with adults, but I was asked to be in the Primary presidency so I accepted. Our ward is a little different. There are not very many kids, the teachers and leaders are new to it and sometimes have trouble relating to children, so sometimes it's barely more than organized chaos (and sometimes it isn't even organized so it's just chaos).

This past week (so a few weeks ago now) I was having a really rough week. I had been feeling sick again which is kind of weird for me because with my first two pregnancies my nausea went away at 15 weeks and never came back, but I hit 19 weeks and it came back in full force. I was also really worried and stressed about Jax. I knew there was something wrong with him developmentally, but I had to wait a few weeks to get him an appointment with a developmental pediatrician. I had a lot of fears about what our life would be like… what his life would be like. I felt like one more child was slipping away from me and I was scared that we would never be able to communicate, and he would never understand me when I tell him that I love him. Still one of the things I struggle with in relation to baby David is that he never got to hear me tell him that I love him. And the pain of that memory brought so much fear and pain into my heart. I cried a lot that week, and I prayed a lot, sometimes in anger as I struggled to understand why so many of my trials were coming through my children.

Anyway, back to the story, we went to church that morning, running late as usual, and I was so sick I was unsure if I would make it through. But I am now glad that I did. Primary was chaos as usual. The kids wouldn't stay in their seats, the person in charge of the lesson had not prepared, and there is currently no music director, so random people are just filling in (and lets just say they aren't exactly musically inclined). Jax was tired so I set him on the floor to play with toys while I attempted to play the songs on the piano (yep, thats how bad things are, they have ME playing the piano). He started fussing so we got out the cd player to take over, and I held him and rocked him in the chair. As I was rocking him the next song came on, "A Child's Prayer" and I just realized that no matter what happens Jax, and all of my babies, are children of God and they are perfectly loved and understood by a Savior and whatever disability Jax has was not given to him to punish me or to punish him, but to strengthen us and help us better understand that love. Of course there will be many painful days for all of us on this journey to discover what Jax's abilities are, but I am just really thankful that he is here and I get to be his mom.

Fast forward to this past week…We have been in and out of the hospital for overnight stays a few times. Jax started having seizures (which are probably also related to his development problems) but when he has them they aren't just singular experiences. He will have them a couple hours apart all day long unless he is given medication. The first one really scared me because I was home alone with no access to a car and he stopped breathing in the middle of it. I was really proud though at how calm and level headed I was able to stay as I remembered my CPR training ash was able to get him to breathe and also call the ambulance (which by the way is not a 911 number because we live on a military base, but rather a local phone number that I had to run through the house to find). When he had the second one, even though we were in a hospital, I lost it. I felt so helpless and I just wanted my baby to be okay. I started to feel angry that I had lost my first baby and then all of this was happening to my second. I was mad at the cards I had been dealt, and I didn't understand how God though I could handle this too. Because it really felt like I couldn't. When I was deep in the middle of my "life's not fair" thoughts, the sweet words to "A Child's Prayer" popped into my head again. And I knew not that everything was going to be okay, but that we would make it through it. And no matter what the future holds in store for Jax, I will love him every single day. I am still so thankful that he made it here safe. His smile always lights up my day, and even through our challenges, I feel so lucky to be his mom.

A Child's Prayer Lyrics

Heavenly Father, are you really there? 
And do you hear and answer every child's prayer? 
Some say that heaven is far away, 
But I feel it close around me as I pray. 

Heavenly Father, I remember now 
Something that Jesus told disciples long ago: 
"Suffer the children to come to me." 
Father, in prayer I'm coming now to thee. 

Pray, he is there. Speak, he is listening. 
You are his child; His love now surrounds you. 
He hears your prayer; He loves the children. 
Of such is the kingdom, the kingdom of heaven.