Growing Pains

We have had a rough week. Tiny was/is cutting teeth. We noticed the first one poking through on Nov 18th after a full day and night of almost constant crying.  He is very very sad. He cries and cries and nothing we do seems to help him much. Night time is especially bad. It seems we can keep him preoccupied enough during the day that he forgets his poor gums are red and swollen. But at night, when he is tired and nothing interesting is going on, he really feels the pain.

Last night was especially horrible. Jax cried for hours and hours.  And when he finally fell asleep I was too stressed that he would wake up again (he woke up about every 25 minutes for the first 2 hours a few nights ago) so I just sat in the dark waiting to see if he would wake up again and need me to sooth his pain. Its in the quiet dark moments that I find my thoughts turning toward my first little man. I still miss him. So much. A few weeks ago I dreamt of him. And I woke up feeling like there was a baby sleeping on my chest, like Jax used to do in the first couple weeks after he was born. But Jax was sleeping on his own beside me. I think it was my Trey letting me know he was near.

I started to realize that the ache is definitely less. The memories are still there but there isn't as much pain attached to them. There is the heartache of missing that little boy I never really got to know, but the deep soul stabbing pain is definitely less.  Sometimes it hurts knowing that the time I had with him is going further and further into the past, but sometimes it is nice knowing that the time I have to wait to see him again is also getting less (even though it is still a long way away).

I love watching Jax grow. It seems he learns new things so fast. And I learn new things about him too. I still feel guilty pretty often that he won't have a big brother to look after him or play with. Instead he is going to have to be the big brother (or the only child, we will see how things go). I sometimes imagine him and D3 together. How crazy it would have been to have two (different aged) babies. How cute they could have been in matching clothes (though David would probably HATE that). I know that Jax knows his brother. And I think he still remembers him. But I know the time is near when he won't remember him anymore and all he will know will be what I tell him. It's just all part of growing up.

I know over the years there will be a lot more growing and surely some more aches and pains associated with it. Definitely there will be more teething (ahhh the horrors). Being a mom to my boys is the hardest best thing I have ever done.  And I wouldn't trade this life for anything else.

Tooth photos to come later. I am waiting til they grow in a little more so you can see them when he smiles. It is a little bit adorable. I just wish those pesky teeth didn't cause so much pain!