I have Been Blessed

It has been a rough week. I don't know why, it just has.  I have been thinking a lot about the role of God in my life and in my family's life. Sometimes I feel so out of control and for a control freak that is a very hard thing. I just have to remind myself that the person in charge is my Heavenly Father, and He is much better at being in charge than I am.

Today at church the speaker talked about his nephew who was stillborn. He started to get a little teary and I started to cry. I didn't realize the pain had snuck back up on me; that the hole in my heart had taken over again. I have been thinking so much about our little boy that isn't here. I miss him still. And I always will.

As the meeting closed we sang "Because I have Been Given Much", on of my favorites since I was young.  The third verse really struck me this time: "Because I have been blessed by thy great love dear Lord, I'll share thy love again according to thy word...". This can mean many things, but for me right now it means trusting my Heavenly Father. I have been blessed with so much love from Heaven. Every time I look at Jax I feel that love. And I feel a huge responsibility to teach God's love to my little one, so I can have a complete family some day. I pray every night that I will know how to convey that to my Tiny.

Sometimes I get the crazy idea in my head that I need to hurry up and have another baby (not actually happening, don't get excited) because I am supposed to have two so that will make my soul feel complete again. But then I realize I will still be incomplete because when/if I have two then I should really have three. And that is how it will always be.

I have learned to be thankful for the little things. And I really have been given much.