My Wish

My baby is sick. And that means lots of crying. I feel so sad for him. Last night he woke up wailing. I looked at the clock. It was 11:11. And everyone knows at that time you get to make a wish. As I picked  Jax up from his bassinet and cradled him in my arms for an almost midnight snack, I thought about what my wish might be. It didn't really take long, my wish is always the same, to have both of my boys here instead of just one.

I know people think I am silly for thinking so often about how to be a mom to two kids and love both of them the same when only one is here with me. I have been thinking about it ever since Jax was born.  Do I feel the same about these two boys? I finally realized last night that the answer is no. I don't feel the same about them. But I do love them both equally. It is just a different kind of love I think. And the ways in which I show it to each of them are obviously quite different. And for the first time in almost a year I felt comfortable with living. For the first time in almost a year I wanted to be here more than I wanted to be with baby David (never was in a suicidal way, just feeling like if he can't be here then I want to be there with him-there being Heaven). The feeling was actually very freeing in a way. I didn't feel guilty for cuddling Jax all night long when I only got to hold D3 for a short time. It was one of those perfect moments I have talked about before, when the fear was gone and pure faith was there. Faith in a loving Heavenly Father who has a perfect plan and I know is taking good care of my sweet boy. Faith in an Atonement offered by an older brother out of love so that I can be with my little boy again some day. And faith that life is not only for learning, but also for experiencing happiness.

As I watched my little one fall back asleep and give me those newborn sleepy smiles, I couldn't help but smile myself. My mom used to tell me that when a newborn smiles like that they are remembering Heaven.  I like to think that Jax is remembering being with his brother. And that the memory makes him so happy. I just wish he could tell me about it. Maybe I will wish for that next time 11:11 rolls around.