Happy First Birthday

My sweet little one,

Happy First Birthday Trey! I can't believe it has been one whole year since you were with me. My heart still aches for you every single day, and I think it will until I hold you in my arms again. So much has happened in the last year as you probably know, and our lives have been forever changed.  Our faith has been tested for sure. We have seen Heaven and God's love both in you and in your little brother, Jax. I feel so lucky to be your mom and to have been able to hold an angel in my arms. And I am so happy that I am one year closer to being able to hold you again.

I never imagined how hard this past year was going to be. And I never imagined how many blessings there would be either. Sometimes I get stuck replaying that day over and over. The doctor telling me you were gone, my blood spilling all over the floor after they took a bunch of vials and forgot to cap them, your dad running from the room when he found out you were a boy because the pain was too much, holding you for the first time, the huge hole in my heart that is still there, and the drive home from the hospital that was made extra long because most of the freeway was shut down due to construction. Not a single day has gone by that I haven't thought about you. Not a single day that my heart hasn't ached a little bit.

I am really glad today is Sunday. We didn't have to think too much about what we should do today. It was nice to have a day of peace and rest and really nice that your dad had the day off. I love you so much little one, and I pray all the time that you know that.

Love, Mom

We went to the cemetery yesterday because it was supposed to rain today. And it did. A lot. So much rain that our power went out for a few hours. We brought some flowers and balloons and did a balloon release and sent birthday wishes to Heaven. 

I always dreamed about making my first baby's first birthday cake. My mom made me an amazing first birthday cake. It was a teddy bear and the fur detail she put on it with a piping bag must have taken hours. I decided to something more simple that wouldn't take me hours, but also decided to try fondant for the first time. I think it turned out pretty okay. After I finished making it I cried. It was hard making a cake that my baby will never eat. I will never show him how to blow out candles, or sing him a happy birthday song. I am still really glad I made it though. And we enjoyed it this afternoon when the power was out. 

Making Birthday wishes. 

Serving up a nice big slice. Cake for angel babies has no calories. 

Life seems so unfair sometimes. Over the past year the pain hasn't really gone away, but I have learned to live with it better. I have learned how to have joy in the midst of the sorrow. This song has become one of my favorites and is perfect for today: