I thought I was heartbroken when I experienced a miscarriage last year. I thought the cracks would never heal when we struggled with infertility for a year after that and watched all of our friends have babies. I've watched people stand up in church and say how thankful they are that Heavenly Father trusted them enough to send his children to their home. I wondered what I had done to not receive that trust. I worked hard to be as perfect as I could. I did everything we are asked to do and more. I grew up often hearing the mantra, "when you choose the right you are happy, and when you choose the wrong you are sad". I told my mom that I thought Heavenly Father forgot about me because I was sure I was choosing the right and still did not receive the family that my spirit so desired. Then I found out I was pregnant again and when we made it past the point which we lost the baby last time, my mom said that proved that Heavenly Father had not forgotten me. And I was so happy and excited until week 19 when we learned our baby would not likely survive. They told us there was still a chance, and I had always believed in miracles so I prayed even more than I already had been. I prayed for a miracle and I prayed that if that was not possible that God would take me instead and spare the life of this precious child I had come to know and love.
And then that sweet tiny boy's heart stopped beating. And I wished that mine did too.
The doctor started my labor and asked David and me if we wanted to hold our son after he was delivered. I did, David didn't. I'm still not sure which was the better decision. When I held that tiny baby boy and looked into his perfect face with soft brown skin and goofy eyebrows and almond shaped eyes closed softly just like his daddy's, I felt love like ive never felt and pain I have never experienced. I knew he was part of us and i knew he was meant to be ours and I was so thankful for eternal families, that is, until I found out that eternal doesn't apply to stillborn children. And then the pain in my heart took over my spirit and enveloped my entire soul. Why had my parents not taught me that doing absolutely everything you can do to choose the right can actually bring you more pain and heartache than any sin or wrongdoing ever could? Why had they not told me that eternal families only include people who live long enough to be added to church records? And why are teenagers, drug addicts, abusers, and criminals entrusted with the care of Heavenly Fathers children and I am not? And why didn't my parents tell me that God's love was just like their love and sometimes there just isn't enough to go around? And now mom, how do you plan to prove that I am not forgotten?
I think I know how Adam and Eve felt in the garden now. To be given a commandment that is impossible to fulfill. God sure does have a sense of humor,but the mercy and love that is always being talked about just doesn't exist. At least not for me.
And now all I am left with is constant reminders of a child who I love more than anything but I may never see again. And it brings pain that I can't see myself ever recovering from. An empty house, stretch marks on a now motherly body with no child to care for, the pains of labor still lingering, a new pointless future with nothing to look forward to, a purple box with tiny footprints, hat, and birth card in the drawer next to my bed, and a commandment never to be fulfilled. People keep telling me that it's just part of Heavenly Father's plan, as if that is helpful. What then is the point of prayer if He doesn't care about our hearts anyway? The plan is there and won't be changed. Do you think this is what they meant to say? Or how about the people who say that we are so lucky because now we can mourn with those who mourn and are in similar situations. Can't say that I feel anyone in this situation is ever lucky. And then there are those who say he was just too perfect to live here. But all I hear them say is we were not perfect enough.
And now I realize how alone we truly are, or maybe thats just me. No one understands my pain, or how it affects every aspect of my life. No one gets that my heart is not only broken for the beautiful boy I lost, but for the family I will now never have. And then there is the pain that comes from being forgotten by heaven and not even being provided access to someone who could understand the hurt and despair of a mothers heart as no one who is eternally a male ever could. Why had no one told me there are actually pains and heartache that even Jesus could not truly understand? While I have experienced on many occasions the healing power of the atonement and the comfort of Christ in my trials, this time felt different. This time I wished that there was access to a Heavenly Mother. But that has not been provided. And I will remain alone.
To those who have figured out what it takes to receive God's trust; learn how to keep it. Because the pain of not being able to have it no matter what you do is just not something you want to experience.
And then that sweet tiny boy's heart stopped beating. And I wished that mine did too.
The doctor started my labor and asked David and me if we wanted to hold our son after he was delivered. I did, David didn't. I'm still not sure which was the better decision. When I held that tiny baby boy and looked into his perfect face with soft brown skin and goofy eyebrows and almond shaped eyes closed softly just like his daddy's, I felt love like ive never felt and pain I have never experienced. I knew he was part of us and i knew he was meant to be ours and I was so thankful for eternal families, that is, until I found out that eternal doesn't apply to stillborn children. And then the pain in my heart took over my spirit and enveloped my entire soul. Why had my parents not taught me that doing absolutely everything you can do to choose the right can actually bring you more pain and heartache than any sin or wrongdoing ever could? Why had they not told me that eternal families only include people who live long enough to be added to church records? And why are teenagers, drug addicts, abusers, and criminals entrusted with the care of Heavenly Fathers children and I am not? And why didn't my parents tell me that God's love was just like their love and sometimes there just isn't enough to go around? And now mom, how do you plan to prove that I am not forgotten?
I think I know how Adam and Eve felt in the garden now. To be given a commandment that is impossible to fulfill. God sure does have a sense of humor,but the mercy and love that is always being talked about just doesn't exist. At least not for me.
And now all I am left with is constant reminders of a child who I love more than anything but I may never see again. And it brings pain that I can't see myself ever recovering from. An empty house, stretch marks on a now motherly body with no child to care for, the pains of labor still lingering, a new pointless future with nothing to look forward to, a purple box with tiny footprints, hat, and birth card in the drawer next to my bed, and a commandment never to be fulfilled. People keep telling me that it's just part of Heavenly Father's plan, as if that is helpful. What then is the point of prayer if He doesn't care about our hearts anyway? The plan is there and won't be changed. Do you think this is what they meant to say? Or how about the people who say that we are so lucky because now we can mourn with those who mourn and are in similar situations. Can't say that I feel anyone in this situation is ever lucky. And then there are those who say he was just too perfect to live here. But all I hear them say is we were not perfect enough.
And now I realize how alone we truly are, or maybe thats just me. No one understands my pain, or how it affects every aspect of my life. No one gets that my heart is not only broken for the beautiful boy I lost, but for the family I will now never have. And then there is the pain that comes from being forgotten by heaven and not even being provided access to someone who could understand the hurt and despair of a mothers heart as no one who is eternally a male ever could. Why had no one told me there are actually pains and heartache that even Jesus could not truly understand? While I have experienced on many occasions the healing power of the atonement and the comfort of Christ in my trials, this time felt different. This time I wished that there was access to a Heavenly Mother. But that has not been provided. And I will remain alone.
To those who have figured out what it takes to receive God's trust; learn how to keep it. Because the pain of not being able to have it no matter what you do is just not something you want to experience.
I love you. And I believe that your little David was born in the covenant and will be a part of your family for Eternity. You are his mother, in this life and the next. And, while no one knows how you feel, you are not alone--we are all here for you. I'm not going to tell you that this doesn't suck, and that there is some greater plan. Because it does suck, and if there is a greater plan in this, I can't see it. But, I know you are strong and you are married to a wonderful man, husband, and father, and there are many who love you and your little David. I'm always here if you need anything.
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