Live in Thanksgiving Daily

"That ye contend no more against the Holy Ghost, but that ye receive it, and take upon you the name of Christ; that ye humble yourselves even to the dust, and worship God, in whatsoever place ye may be in, in spirit and in truth; and that ye live in thanksgiving daily, for the many mercies and blessings which he doth bestow upon you." Alma 34:38

My little sister is on a mission in New York and they are doing a Thanksgiving project. She asked us to take a picture with this sign and tell her what we are thankful for. The last few years for us have been hard…really hard. But we still have a lot to be thankful for. After baby David died I had a really hard time feeling thankful. I felt a lot of anger and a lot of hurt. I didn't understand why after years of trying for a baby that he wouldn't be allowed to stay with us. And that it would happen right after we moved thousands of miles away from family. My anger wasn't necessarily directed at God, but it didn't leave room for a spirit of Thanksgiving in my heart. And it left me feeling alone and so broken.

As time passed, I realized that being humble and being thankful were critical for my healing. And it allowed me to see the amazing tender mercies that I was being given the entire time. I made it a priority every night to think of what I was thankful for and thank my Heavenly Father for those things. When Jax started having all of his medical issues this past summer, I remembered to be thankful. There were many nights  when I felt so defeated at the end of the day. The trials ahead seemed insurmountable. The pain in my heart from missing my first baby and the pain from dealing with the health and development problems of my second baby made my entire body ache. And still, there are nights when I don't feel very thankful. Some nights I just want to cry and be angry. And some nights my heart hurts so much it doesn't feel like anything, especially being thankful, will heal it. But every night as I pray, I have no trouble finding things to be thankful for. The trials and the hurt are still there, but there are blessings also, and so many tender mercies. 

I have discovered that when I humble myself and live in thanksgiving daily that I am a better mom to my children. I celebrate Jax's abilities more than I dwell on his disabilities. I can be excited and relieved that my new daughter made it here safely, instead of being stressed that she might also have disabilities. I can have a heart full of love rather than a heart full of pain. 

This holiday season, may your heart be blessed with the spirit of Thanksgiving. May it's broken pieces be healed as you recognize the tender mercies of the Lord in your life.  Happy Thanksgiving everyone! :)

Halloween Pictures

I finally managed to pull the Halloween Pictures out of my camera. I wanted to do something fun this year and have the whole family dress up. I decided to make the costumes. I realized when it was a few days from halloween and mine and David's were not finished that it was not a great idea. They didn't turn out as good as I wanted, but they were done and wearable. Anyway, here are the pictures :)

Lasts and Firsts

It is our last weekend as a family of Four (three at home). I have a long list of chores that need to be done-cleaning that still needs to happen, figuring how to fit two baby's things in one diaper bag, packing hospital bags etc… but I really just want to sit and snuggle Jax all day long. I want to soak up all of our time with just us together. I remember feeling guilty right before Jax was born, guilty that he had made it to the end of pregnancy still healthy and well inside me and I had failed his brother. I didn't know how I would be a mother to two kids, one here and one not, and how I would feel love for each of them since their circumstances were so very different. But I figured it out. I feel a lot more guilty this time though. I know my heart will be able to love another one, because its done it before. I know that it will stretch and grow and she will be loved just as much as her brothers. That is not where the guilt lies. It is in the fact that when we found out baby girl would be joining our family, I didn't know that Jax had any medical problems. I didn't know that he had any developmental problems. I had no idea that I had a special needs child.  How could I not know? I am his mom. I feel horrible that I didn't realize it sooner, and I feel even worse that every second of my time will no longer be devoted to him. David likes to remind me that plenty of people have special needs children and also have other children, which  is true, but I am feeling overwhelmed with how close together Jax's diagnosis is coming to a new baby arriving. I think I needed more time to adjust and accept everything.

In the back of head I keep wondering what is going to be wrong with this baby. I have yet to have a "normal" baby so I just don't see how she could be either. It seems that my children are where all of my trials come from. But it is also from them that I have learned the most about eternal things.

On Friday we took Jax to get his first haircut. I was sad to cut off his baby curls, but it would basically cover his eyes if we combed it, and I wanted to be a part of the experience, so we had to go before baby girl came. He looks so much older now.  I am sad to see this baby stage start to go. Hopefully we will soon have an actual toddler-one that can toddle around the house instead of just crawl. Part of me is dreading that since he will be able to get into more things than he already gets into, but I know most of me will be so happy and so relieved. Every milestone he reaches is like a mountain conquered for us, and the relief I feel from having one less mountain ahead of us is so great.

I know that I will figure things out this time too. I remember so many nights getting up to feed Jax, and even though I felt so tired, those are the times when I felt the most peace. When the still small voice of the Holy Ghost spoke truths to my spirit and mended my soul.  When things that didn't really matter melted away, and I learned so much about things that do matter. I know this little one will be a part of that too, she will help heal my heart some more. I am looking forward to that.

And now, since most people read this to look at pictures of Jax, here are the first haircut photos :)

BEFORE:

DURING:

AFTER:

My baby looks so grown up!! waaahh. 

White House Trick or Treating

This year we got to go to the White House for Trick or Treating. They give tickets to Military Families and local elementary schools and children's hospitals. Supposedly the event is for ages 3-14 but we submitted all of our information (including Jax's age and birthday) and got picked, so we went anyway! It is our last fall in DC so we are trying to do anything that comes up, plus there were tons of kids under 3 there. It was really fun! They had a circus theme going on and had a lot of acrobats doing tricks while we were waiting in line. They also had all of the White House staff dressed up in costumes handing out candy so the kids could trick or treat the whole time (which was good because this event probably didn't allow them to trick or treat anywhere else since it took up a lot of time).

Jax wasn't exactly the biggest fan of the hood, mostly because when he was leaning back it would cover his eyes. 

This cat almost fell off the moon twice while we were standing in front of it. I wonder if she was able to stay up there all night. 

We got to take a little walk through the White House gardens.

When we got up to the part with the President and Mrs. Obama the parents had to go in one line and the kids had to go in a different one (the lines were right next to each other so the parents were still with their kids, don't worry). Because Jax can't walk, David got to carry him in the kid line, which of course made him super happy. I went in the parent line to take the pictures. 

David thinks this picture is so funny. I had my camera on continuous shoot so it caught some interesting faces. I was actually quite impressed with President Obama's knowledge of "Where the Wild Things Are". No one else seemed to know what Jax was dressed up as. 

David was definitely cheesing really hard. He was more excited to talk to Barack than Jax was. haha!!

This was the only picture I got with the First Lady because a guy stepped right in front of me as I was stepping over to take a picture from a different angle. I rammed him with my stroller and he still didn't move and by the time I got around him, David was already moving on. (If you were wondering, they handed out big orange cookies in the shape of a White House, Hershey's kisses with the seal of the President on them, Apples and Jelly Beans).

This White House staffer was quite interesting. 

More acrobatics

The clown was giving out balloon swords. Jax managed to untie the balloon before we even got off the Metro.

By the end, Jax was definitely worn out. He thought it was so fun though! 

When we got back home we went to a little festival at our base chapel and trick or treated to a few houses. I will be posting later with photos of Halloween after the White House and pictures of the entire Wild Things gang in their home made costumes. :)