Lasts and Firsts

It is our last weekend as a family of Four (three at home). I have a long list of chores that need to be done-cleaning that still needs to happen, figuring how to fit two baby's things in one diaper bag, packing hospital bags etc… but I really just want to sit and snuggle Jax all day long. I want to soak up all of our time with just us together. I remember feeling guilty right before Jax was born, guilty that he had made it to the end of pregnancy still healthy and well inside me and I had failed his brother. I didn't know how I would be a mother to two kids, one here and one not, and how I would feel love for each of them since their circumstances were so very different. But I figured it out. I feel a lot more guilty this time though. I know my heart will be able to love another one, because its done it before. I know that it will stretch and grow and she will be loved just as much as her brothers. That is not where the guilt lies. It is in the fact that when we found out baby girl would be joining our family, I didn't know that Jax had any medical problems. I didn't know that he had any developmental problems. I had no idea that I had a special needs child.  How could I not know? I am his mom. I feel horrible that I didn't realize it sooner, and I feel even worse that every second of my time will no longer be devoted to him. David likes to remind me that plenty of people have special needs children and also have other children, which  is true, but I am feeling overwhelmed with how close together Jax's diagnosis is coming to a new baby arriving. I think I needed more time to adjust and accept everything.

In the back of head I keep wondering what is going to be wrong with this baby. I have yet to have a "normal" baby so I just don't see how she could be either. It seems that my children are where all of my trials come from. But it is also from them that I have learned the most about eternal things.

On Friday we took Jax to get his first haircut. I was sad to cut off his baby curls, but it would basically cover his eyes if we combed it, and I wanted to be a part of the experience, so we had to go before baby girl came. He looks so much older now.  I am sad to see this baby stage start to go. Hopefully we will soon have an actual toddler-one that can toddle around the house instead of just crawl. Part of me is dreading that since he will be able to get into more things than he already gets into, but I know most of me will be so happy and so relieved. Every milestone he reaches is like a mountain conquered for us, and the relief I feel from having one less mountain ahead of us is so great.

I know that I will figure things out this time too. I remember so many nights getting up to feed Jax, and even though I felt so tired, those are the times when I felt the most peace. When the still small voice of the Holy Ghost spoke truths to my spirit and mended my soul.  When things that didn't really matter melted away, and I learned so much about things that do matter. I know this little one will be a part of that too, she will help heal my heart some more. I am looking forward to that.

And now, since most people read this to look at pictures of Jax, here are the first haircut photos :)

BEFORE:

DURING:

AFTER:

My baby looks so grown up!! waaahh.