Be Kind to Yourself

I have had a lot of thoughts running through my head this past week. A friend of mine that I don't know very well lost her baby. It was a little boy just like mine, and like me, she had to say hello and goodbye all at the same time. Ive talked to her a bit and told her some of the same things that friends had told me. Things that they knew from experience. And even though I still have not met some of these friends in person, I know some of their deepest feelings and most private thoughts so well because they have also been my own. I have another friend who I have known for years who has been going through a very trying time in her life as well. I don't know the details of her situation as she prefers to keep them private, but I know what it feels like to experience so much hurt it feels like the pieces of your shattered soul will never go back together again. And I remember what it felt like when I was at the very beginning of my journey with D3. I remember having people who understood where I have been tell me that things can get better and me not understanding how they ever could because the pain was so great that I couldn't even breathe most of the time. But they were right, eventually things got a bit better.

Though we all have different life experiences (and some of us have some very similar ones) many of us have felt tremendous amounts of pain at some point. And I know, like me, many of us have played the blame game…mostly blaming ourselves for things that we never had control over to begin with. Its so easy for me to play the "if only" game, especially when it comes to D3. If only I had been more faithful, if only I had done things differently in terms of my health and pregnancy, if only I had been a better person, if only ____ then things would be different. Letting go of my "if onlys" was really hard for me, but it was really the only way that I could start healing. Once I was able to do this, (slowly) my mostly bad days turned into mostly good days.

Too often we are too hard on ourselves, when reality is, we are doing the best we can with what we have been given. So many situations are out of our control and we shouldn't let those situations take hold in our lives. And because I am an imperfect being, there are still days when the pain creeps back in so fresh and so vivid, and I have to remind myself all over again that it was not my fault. I have to remind myself to not think about all of the what ifs, and I have to hand my pain back over to my Savior  and find peace in Him and through His Atonement over and over again. My heart still aches for these friends of mine who are still in the beginning stages of their (current) trials. And I hope that they and everyone else are kind to themselves through the pain and through the hardship. I hope they (and all of us) can let go of the things they have no control over and not place unnecessary blame on themselves. And hopefully things will get better. I have faith that they will. Today, be kind to yourselves, because you are probably doing a whole lot better than you think you are. :)

Day at the Fair

We went out to the Maryland State Fair today with some friends. It rained off and on the entire time we were there, but it wasn't too bad because it made it much less hot and much less crowded. We had lots of yummy treats and saw lots of interesting things. Because of the rain, I didn't get to take nearly as many pictures as I wanted to, and we didn't get one all together, but Virginia has their state fair next month so we might have to make up for it then.

When we first got there we went to look at the animals. They had a little area set up for the kids with one of each kind of barnyard type animal. Most of them you could pet, but Jax was pretty timid.

I was trying to get him to smile at David for the picture, but he just wanted to keep telling me about the cow. 

Jax was practically trying to climb into the pig pen. So funny. 

He really liked looking at the little ducks. Probably because they are tiny like him!

I finally got him to be adventurous and pet the baby goat. He actually really liked feeling it's hair and kept looking back at me with a huge smile on his face. 

We had to play 1 fair game for Jax to get the full experience at his first fair. He LOVED this. He did not want it to end. And he was pretty good at it. Dad helped him catch two fish at once! That is our friend Melissa and her daughter Izzy in the background. Izzy liked the game too. 

Here he is with his prize. He was actually pretty proud of that weird little raccoon. 

We stepped inside a building that had a bunch of award winning fruits and veggies to escape the rain. It wasn't very exciting, but they did have this area where the older kids could color a horse head that they would turn into a stick horse they could ride. It was actually really cute. And they had this horse. When you rocked back and forth on it, the horse moved. Jax thought it was pretty fun, but since he was rocking so much, all the pictures are blurry! Such a funny boy. 

Overall, it was a great day! I haven't had a weekend off in a long time and it was fun hanging out with my little family. I am trying to get out as much as possible right now since baby girl arrives in the middle of winter, which means we will probably be stuck inside quite a bit. 

little update

It's been a few weeks since I posted anything, and lots of people have been asking about Jax, so I thought I would do an update. He has had lots of tests-scans, physicals, and lots and lots and LOTS of blood draws. So far all of the tests have been normal. So I guess that is good news and bad news. Good news is he doesn't have anything major wrong with him so far. Bad news is, we still don't know what is wrong with him. He is on seizure medication now and we don't think he has had any more seizure activity since starting it, but since he tends to have most of his seizures when he is sleeping, its really hard for us to know. What we do know is, that since he started the medication (and his seizures have stopped) he has progressed a little bit developmentally. He is attempting to crawl, can now scoot himself backwards across the floor on his stomach, turn in circles while sitting, and can pull up on things to his knees. Its a lot more than he was able to do before that. Doctors say it is possible that he has been having several seizures a week since birth that we didn't notice because they either happened when he was sleeping, or were unnoticeable to us because they were just happening in his brain and did not affect his body in any way (i.e. shaking, stiffening etc). This can interfere with a child's ability to learn new things so it could be the reason he has so many developmental delays. He will be starting physical therapy, occupational therapy, and speech therapy pretty soon.

 He still has a million appointments he has to go to with a million different specialists to cover all of our bases, and we are still waiting for the results of a major genetic test to come back (it takes 2 months), but for now things have kind of gone back to normal-a new normal filled with multiple doctor visits a week and an alarm set on my phone to go off twice a day so I don't forget to give him his medicine. Aside from getting upset during blood draws (umm I still get really upset during those so no big deal) and experiencing some anxiety since leaving the hospital (he still has to sleep in our bed), Jax has been pretty happy. So for now we are just enjoying every day and doing our best to get him all of the best help he needs. We are still hoping that we can get some answers at some point, especially with another baby on the way we would really like to know if this is some sort of odd genetic issue, but even if we don't, we are feeling better having the tools that we do have and can now see all our options on how to best help Jax as he grows throughout his life. And, the best news is, he still has the cutest little smile we have ever seen! :)

Re-enlistment #2

David starts school next week, so one year from now he will have his Bachelors degree! One of the requirements for the school is that he had to have at least 2 years left on his military contract when it ends (nothing is free, right?). He would only have 1 left, so he had to re-enlist. Which for me was crazy, because I feel like we just did this whole re-enlistment thing. This time, it was just for 2 years so it was a pretty easy decision. David chose the Naval Observatory which is the official residence of the Vice President (and also the place in charge of keeping time, charting stars, and a whole bunch of other stuff for America) for his re-enlistment ceremony.

Getting read out of the military. 

Discharge certificate-currently unemployed. Stressful few minutes for me. ;)

Re-enlisting again. 

Re-enlistment certificate.

This is what Jax was doing through the entire ceremony.

Signing all of the re-enlistment paperwork. He has a job again!

Group Picture.

Photo with the Navy Flag. 

Look who finally woke up!?

That is the bookcase that VP Biden likes to give his interviews in front of. Except its usually open. There are some super old (presumably very valuable) books inside. 

These pictures David took from the roof of the observatory. I didn't get to hear what everything was because Jax needed a diaper change, so I was off doing that. 

Telescope at the top of the observatory. 

That cement pathway on the floor is the prime meridian of America. It is where time starts for us. 

At one point, this was the largest telescope in the world. It is now just the telescope which has been in active use the longest.  

It was a very nice day. Afterward I told David he could pick out somewhere to go to lunch. He chose "We the Pizza" a famous pizza place in DC. It definitely lived up to all the hype and was super delicious. We should have taken a few pictures there, but I am sure we will be back.