2 years

My Sweet Little One,

Happy Birthday! I can't believe it has been two years since I held you and looked at your sweet little face. My heart grew 5 sizes that day, but it also broke in half. The last two years without you haven't been easy. I miss you every single day. Last night I had a dream that you and Jax were wrestling like brothers do. It must have been happening in Heaven because you are not here, and Jax may never have that ability. Its good to know that some things won't ever change though. I know over the years that Jax will miss you also. But because of you, I am a better mom to him. I have more patience and more love. I have a more thankful heart, and through all of our trials and Jax's problems, I am better able to love him like God loves him. All because you taught me that. We went to visit you on Saturday. Jax thought it was a really fun party. I just kept thinking that next year will be our last year here with you, and my heart got really sad. I know its not really you underneath that headstone, but its still such a special place for us, and it will be hard to leave. Before we went to visit you we stopped at our favorite little nursery to pick you up some pretty flowers. I found some "forget me nots" which were perfect for you with their tiny blue flowers and thoughtful name. They ended up being free, which I take as I sign you haven't forgotten us either.

I always imagine what life would be like if you were here now. Would you and Jax have fun together? Would you watch out for your little brother? A few weeks ago I got so angry that you weren't here when it became evident that Jax will probably have health and develop problems his entire life. I was mad there was no one to protect him from the mean kids at school and all the places that his mom won't be. I felt like we needed you. But I know you are needed more where you are. And I am sure you are a great and valiant spirit doing great work.

I made you a chocolate cake. I don't really know what kind of cake you would like, but your dad loves chocolate cake (and so do I) so I figured you would too. This year feels so different than last year, and yet also the same. Last year the wounds were still really big and fresh. And this year they aren't as big, but they feel just as fresh. My memories of you are so vivid it almost feels like it was yesterday that I cradled you in my arms. Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought of you, and not a second has passed that I haven't loved you. Today I am one year closer to holding you again. I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to that. I love you my boy.

Love, Mom

Alone Together

It's been one of those weekends. Lots of questions and no answers. Lots of pain and no relief. I haven't slept much because Jax has too much anxiety to sleep well. And when Jax is sleeping, I have too much anxiety about him to sleep.

When we moved here we felt so sure that this where we were supposed to be. We had prayed about it and it felt so right. And then we got here and ever since I have been doubting that decision. I keep wondering why God would lead us (me) to this place and then just abandon me. He dropped me here and a few months later took away my baby. And I felt so alone. And now Jax is having all these issues and I feel so alone again. I have no friends and no family to lean on for support. I feel trapped in my little house all the time with a sick baby and no one to talk to. I see everyone who had babies around the same time as me posting videos and pictures of their little one's first steps, and I wonder every day if I will ever even see Jax take first steps.

During our recent meeting with an early intervention specialist she asked me if I felt like Jax's disabilities were preventing me from doing things that I might want to be doing or getting involved in areas that I might want to be involved in. I had never thought about it, but in that moment I realized it absolutely did. The few people we have met here generally exclude us from activities they are doing because we don't have a child that can participate in them. Then when other things come up that are just for adults, we are left out of those too just because we haven't been at the all other events so we are forgotten. From the very beginning here we have been isolated in our pain. Friends we had, we lost, because they didn't know how to deal with our grief. People we were just starting to get to know pulled away because they didn't know what to say. In no way does this make me angry at my children, I love them so much, I am just frustrated at our situation. Why wouldn't God tell us to stay near family? Why wouldn't He tell us to stay near people that love us and can support us? Or why wouldn't He have just made being here a less devastating and lonely experience?

I feel like living here has been exhausting. I feel beat down every single day and have very few moments of relief. The second it seems things are starting to go well, something else horrible comes up. I just keep bracing myself for what is going to happen next- presumably what problem I will be told my daughter has. It breaks my heart so much that so many of my trials are coming through my children. I feel like it is unfair that they are my refiners fire. I often get caught in this dark hole where it is hard to see the world as anything more than a place of pain and hardships. And then Jax smiles at me, and the world doesn't seem quite so harsh again. Its amazing the power that little smile has, and it reminds me over and over that I would do anything for him, no matter how difficult. At least he is here with us, because we know all too well that things could be very different.

For now we are holding on. Holding on to the small moments of peace. Holding on to the little smiles and laughs. Holding onto each other. Holding on to a future time when we can leave this place and some of it's hardships behind us. And mostly holding onto our Faith.

YOU are His Child

**I started this post about 3 weeks ago now and just never published because it felt unfinished. I decided to just finish it now.

I am back in Primary (serving with the children in church). At first I was upset about it because I really just wanted to be back with the adults again and be able to make friends and connections with adults, but I was asked to be in the Primary presidency so I accepted. Our ward is a little different. There are not very many kids, the teachers and leaders are new to it and sometimes have trouble relating to children, so sometimes it's barely more than organized chaos (and sometimes it isn't even organized so it's just chaos).

This past week (so a few weeks ago now) I was having a really rough week. I had been feeling sick again which is kind of weird for me because with my first two pregnancies my nausea went away at 15 weeks and never came back, but I hit 19 weeks and it came back in full force. I was also really worried and stressed about Jax. I knew there was something wrong with him developmentally, but I had to wait a few weeks to get him an appointment with a developmental pediatrician. I had a lot of fears about what our life would be like… what his life would be like. I felt like one more child was slipping away from me and I was scared that we would never be able to communicate, and he would never understand me when I tell him that I love him. Still one of the things I struggle with in relation to baby David is that he never got to hear me tell him that I love him. And the pain of that memory brought so much fear and pain into my heart. I cried a lot that week, and I prayed a lot, sometimes in anger as I struggled to understand why so many of my trials were coming through my children.

Anyway, back to the story, we went to church that morning, running late as usual, and I was so sick I was unsure if I would make it through. But I am now glad that I did. Primary was chaos as usual. The kids wouldn't stay in their seats, the person in charge of the lesson had not prepared, and there is currently no music director, so random people are just filling in (and lets just say they aren't exactly musically inclined). Jax was tired so I set him on the floor to play with toys while I attempted to play the songs on the piano (yep, thats how bad things are, they have ME playing the piano). He started fussing so we got out the cd player to take over, and I held him and rocked him in the chair. As I was rocking him the next song came on, "A Child's Prayer" and I just realized that no matter what happens Jax, and all of my babies, are children of God and they are perfectly loved and understood by a Savior and whatever disability Jax has was not given to him to punish me or to punish him, but to strengthen us and help us better understand that love. Of course there will be many painful days for all of us on this journey to discover what Jax's abilities are, but I am just really thankful that he is here and I get to be his mom.

Fast forward to this past week…We have been in and out of the hospital for overnight stays a few times. Jax started having seizures (which are probably also related to his development problems) but when he has them they aren't just singular experiences. He will have them a couple hours apart all day long unless he is given medication. The first one really scared me because I was home alone with no access to a car and he stopped breathing in the middle of it. I was really proud though at how calm and level headed I was able to stay as I remembered my CPR training ash was able to get him to breathe and also call the ambulance (which by the way is not a 911 number because we live on a military base, but rather a local phone number that I had to run through the house to find). When he had the second one, even though we were in a hospital, I lost it. I felt so helpless and I just wanted my baby to be okay. I started to feel angry that I had lost my first baby and then all of this was happening to my second. I was mad at the cards I had been dealt, and I didn't understand how God though I could handle this too. Because it really felt like I couldn't. When I was deep in the middle of my "life's not fair" thoughts, the sweet words to "A Child's Prayer" popped into my head again. And I knew not that everything was going to be okay, but that we would make it through it. And no matter what the future holds in store for Jax, I will love him every single day. I am still so thankful that he made it here safe. His smile always lights up my day, and even through our challenges, I feel so lucky to be his mom.

A Child's Prayer Lyrics

Heavenly Father, are you really there? 
And do you hear and answer every child's prayer? 
Some say that heaven is far away, 
But I feel it close around me as I pray. 

Heavenly Father, I remember now 
Something that Jesus told disciples long ago: 
"Suffer the children to come to me." 
Father, in prayer I'm coming now to thee. 

Pray, he is there. Speak, he is listening. 
You are his child; His love now surrounds you. 
He hears your prayer; He loves the children. 
Of such is the kingdom, the kingdom of heaven.

Traditions!

In a class I took at BYU we discussed that traditions are what make a family. They are what takes two random people from different backgrounds and helps tie them together as their own family unit. I like traditions, in fact I LOVE traditions. When my family decided they didn't want Chinese on Christmas anymore, I was not happy about it.  And its not even because I love Chinese food. I really prefer good Mexican food, but Mexican's happen to celebrate Christmas (and that is not where the family on A Christmas Story went) so Chinese is what became the tradition. I'm not even picky about where the Chinese food comes from, I just need the tradition to happen. I like traditions.

When David and I first got married we talked about traditions we might have-ones we would keep from our families, ones we wouldn't, and ones we would start ourselves. And over the years we have created several traditions. Some stuck, others didn't. But, in continuing with the spirit of tradition (and actually sticking with some of them) we decided to do this:

This will probably be one of those short lived traditions though. ;)

Baby Wallace #3 coming November 2014. 

First Birthday

Jax turned one when we were in California. His birthday fell on a Friday, but his party wasn't until Saturday so we just celebrated both days.

On Friday we went to Ruby's on Huntington Pier for early dinner. 

He got a special song and birthday cake that he so graciously shared with everyone. 

It was a super nice day. But then again, every day in Huntington Beach is pretty darn nice. 

Later that night we let Jax eat his birthday cake. He wasn't really sure if he liked it or not. 

Then he got to open presents. 

Uncle Hunting and Aunt Olivia bought him some Mickey ears for Disneyland. 

The day wore him out!

On Saturday we had a Kite themed party. It has always been really really hard getting Jax to sleep. For months he would only nap in his swing, and it took hours to get him to bed at night time. After seeing "Saving Mr Banks" one night I had "Lets go Fly a Kite" stuck in my head so I started singing it to him during our long night of walking and patting and bouncing. He instantly calmed down. And it worked almost every time after that too. So the kite theme was born. 

I tried all morning to get Jax to take a nap, but he is a horrible napper when something is going on. If he is in a new environment or with new people or there are new things to do he just thinks he is going to miss something and will not sleep. So by the time the party started, he was tired. Which is why he ended up falling asleep on the swing with Aunt Liv. 

My sister Olivia helped me make the kites the night before the party. We think they turned out pretty cute. 

Jax got to meet Jaiden. Im not sure if the friendship was instant, but maybe someday. Jaiden was just a little rougher than Jax is used to, but it was funny for us to watch. 

It was definitely fun to celebrate our little boy. This year has been so healing for us and we love this little boy for helping us with that. Can't wait to celebrate many more birthdays with him.