Progress

So much has been going on this last week in our life and in my head. I have had a lot of anxiety come out of (seemingly) nowhere that I have had to figure out. Jax still has a crazy busy schedule of therapies and doctor appointments and tests. I also have doctor appointments. Jax still isn't sleeping through the night so we are tired a lot which leads to cranky baby (and sometimes cranky mom). To top it off I have started having nightmares again like I did near the end of my pregnancy with Jax. They are more like flashbacks. Memories that are embedded so deep in my soul it would never be possible to forget them-and even though they are painful, I would never want to. My brain is on replay of those last days and minutes with D3 and I have woken up in tears more than once. I know things are already different this time, and this pregnancy, like my pregnancy with Jax, is nothing like the first one.

I was recently talking with a friend about a painful trial of hers and how with certain trials there really is no end point. There will never be a point for me when I don't feel pain from this sometimes. There will never be a time (in this life) when my heart doesn't have a hole in it, and there will be a million times when I have to remind myself again that Christ knows how I feel and can help me carry the burden. There will be a million moments when I have to turn back toward heaven to help me get through the next seconds and minutes and hours.

Of course, throughout this past week there have also been amazing blessings and triumphs. Jax, who a couple months ago at 14 months when he was diagnosed with Idiopathic Epilepsy, was unable to crawl, scoot, or get into a sitting position by himself is now crawling all over the house and can even pull himself to stand now. He also has started dancing whenever any song comes on, and his communication skills are also progressing. These things would seem so trite to parents of a "normal" child because that is just what children do, but for us these are huge accomplishments. Sometimes I get a little painful twinge when I start to wonder what this part of life would have been like with baby David-how it would have been to chase him around the house, but mostly I am really excited for Jax.

And now to wrap up this depressing post-some videos of Jax and his firsts :)

Jax Dancing

Jax's first crawl (other than army crawl)

Jax pulling to stand by himself

Jax laughing at the fact that he has hiccups