Making Life Fair

I find myself needing to take a lot more deep breaths lately. I also find that I post more when I have bad days than good ones because I use this as therapy for me. I had anticipated the pain being nearly gone by now, but I have found that the opposite is more true. In the beginning the pain was soothed by amazing experiences and blessings of being able to see into heaven a little bit and feel so close to our true and eternal home.  A loving Heavenly Father sent down sweet blessings of love and comfort which took away some of the pain in my heart while modern medicine lessened the physical pain of my body.  But now it seems my feet have been firmly planted back in reality, and while I still have a deep understanding and faith in an eternal plan of love and families, the veil (divide between heaven and earth) does not seem as thin as it did before. I see the mountains of life more clearly laid before me and I am painfully and awkwardly aware of the fact that I have no idea what to do now. Somewhere in my life I am sure I was prepared for this experience, but it is hard for my mind to get past the fact that I quit a job I loved (one that is difficult to obtain) to be a mom and now I have nothing. Not a job, not a child, not a purpose. I spend hours a night in tears pleading with Heavenly Father to tell me what to do. I cry for the family I want but cannot be sure I will ever have. And I can hear those infamous words echoing in my ears, "Life isn't fair". Well isn't that the truth?

I have had lots of questions answered about eternal families and about where my little boy is and what he is doing. I feel sad he isn't here with me, and even more sad I cannot tell him myself how much I love him (I ask Heavenly Father to tell him for me) but I know his special spirit and personality and talents would not have been best used here. It leaves me wondering though, what I should do with my skills and talents now that my life plans have completely crumbled. Last weekend was the annual Relief Society Broadcast for my church. The talks were great and the music was inspiring. I was especially touched by the words of one women who talked about how the Atonement of Christ makes up for everything that is unfair in this world. It  heals all of the pains and will make everything perfect and right when we complete our journey here. All lost in our life will be restored. It is amazing to me that such an unselfish, loving, amazing, and truly unfair sacrifice makes our lives whole and eventually fair. What an amazing blessing and miracle. It is this same atoning sacrifice that will allow me to see my precious baby again and be his mom forever. This experience in my life has been extremely soul stretching. Both my spiritual and physical self have been broken and healed over and over again.  And although I don't know why, I am still here. And while I am here, I will continue to work hard at being the best I can be, and especially the best mom I can be so that when everything is made right and life is made fair, I will be ready for the blessings that come.