A Shower for Jax

We have only been in California a few days, but it has been great so far. Some amazing friends threw an awesome shower for me and little Jax. There was super yummy food, lots of good company, and the kid scored some sweet stuff!

The Tanner Girls. 

3 generations of family. My mom, me, and Jax. 

So cute. 

Mini sprinkles cupcakes. So yummy!

The food table. 

 This Lemonade bar was so cute and delicious. There were a bunch of different berries you could put in your mason jar glass and then you could sip your beverage through a cute red and white striped straw.

The lovely ladies who put all this together.

The decorations were nautical for our Navy Baby. It was so cute! And look at all that stuff he got!

Some of the lovely ladies who attended. 

Great Grandma (GG) and Kiera. 

Some more lovely ladies. 

Some grandma's with their babes. 

So many cute people! It was such a fun night!

Present time. 

Jax was not really a fan of the heat. And he was pretty tired since the shower was at 7pm Pacific Time and he was still on East Coast time. 

Cute overalls Jax!

Little break for a diaper change. Good job auntie Shayla and Kristy for handling that!

This was a super cute decoration that my sisters made. It is made out of diapers!

A Bronco Mendenhall signed jersey. This little boy is ready for Football season!! 

Thanks to everyone who planned and prepared and made it such a great night! We felt so loved! 

Jax's Visitors

Jax had some more visitors the past few days. His Nana and Grandad, fresh off vacation to Florida, came to meet him. And he LOVED them! They arrived late-ish Tuesday night. We just ate dinner and then everyone went to bed. On Wednesday we went to his Daddy's work for a tour. Jax got to meet most of the people his dad works with. For the several hours we were there and all the walking we did, he did pretty well. Only cried when he was hungry, which is abnormal for him. He usually hates leaving the house. Then on Thursday Jax and I stayed home while David took his parents to the Navy Yard and around DC. That night for dinner we got to eat some yummy ribs that David's dad brought with him. And this morning we woke up and went to see them off. It was so fun for me seeing how much they love little Jax. He has so many people that will care for him as he grows up. We definitely loved having them here and were sad to see them go.

I know David lives here all the time but I could not resist taking some Daddy photo's too. Jax loves his Dad and will often stop crying the second he is in his arms. He is the best at getting him to sleep at night.

 Jax loves tummy time. David tried to snap this picture but his mom was bouncing Jax to keep him quiet so it kept coming out blurry. 

Our Sacred Space

Last night my little one was very needy. He woke up just about every hour. Sometimes he was hungry, but sometimes he just wanted to be held for a few minutes. To be assured that I was still there. I think he was a bit concerned after having met so many new people the day before. He spent the day in others' arms when he usually would have spent the day in mine. I am very tired today, but I was happy to reassure my precious baby that his momma was still here for him.

Often it is the middle of the night, when things are quiet and still, that I fully recognize that when I cradle my baby in my arms, I am holding a piece of Heaven. I can feel a spirit that is still so near to God. A spirit that carries pieces of his prior heavenly home. Sometimes these moments become overwhelming. And even after Jax is back asleep, I lay in bed thinking about how I am going to raise a righteous man. How am I going to teach him to have faith? How will I help him develop a relationship with his Heavenly Father and Savior?  How will I teach the importance of temple covenants and keeping his promises to people and to God? How will I help him become the husband and father that he needs to be? The task seems insurmountable at times.

Then I remind myself that my baby is small. And we will start small. Line upon line. He doesn't need to know everything right away. And he won't. I myself still do not have all of the answers, and that is okay. But I know how to start small.  And that small start is in the very walls of my own home. It may not be grand or anything fancy, but it is our sacred space. It is our refuge from the world, a holy place. And that is something my little one will be able to feel even now. That is something his spirit will connect with. And as he grows he will be able to recognize our efforts to keep it a sacred space.

So for now, I want to make sure that our walls reflect what is important to us with pictures of family and of temples and other sacred places. I want to ensure we speak to each other in loving voices. And I want to be positive that the people, things, websites, and tv shows we allow in our home do not defile the sacred space that we work so hard to keep holy.

I know this won't always be easy, but I once read that places become sacred through the sacrifice that goes into them. In fact, there cannot be a sacred space without some form of sacrifice because that is the very definition of sacred. Today that sacrifice for me is basically me. It is my time. It is in choosing family over myself, in soothing a crying babe instead of sleeping in. It is in trying hard to keep my sacred space clean. It is in selecting one movie over another. It is in doing my best to create well balanced meals. It is in supporting my husband in his work and in his priesthood as he does his best to preside over this family and our sacred space. It is in giving every ounce of myself every day to creating something sacred.

“As the winds of change swirl around us and the moral fiber of society continues to disintegrate before our very eyes, may we remember the Lord’s precious promise to those who trust in Him: ‘Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee’ (Isaiah 41:10)” (“Stand in Holy Places,” Liahona orEnsign, Nov. 2011, 86).

(Another one of our very sacred places)

Happy First Birthday

My sweet little one,

Happy First Birthday Trey! I can't believe it has been one whole year since you were with me. My heart still aches for you every single day, and I think it will until I hold you in my arms again. So much has happened in the last year as you probably know, and our lives have been forever changed.  Our faith has been tested for sure. We have seen Heaven and God's love both in you and in your little brother, Jax. I feel so lucky to be your mom and to have been able to hold an angel in my arms. And I am so happy that I am one year closer to being able to hold you again.

I never imagined how hard this past year was going to be. And I never imagined how many blessings there would be either. Sometimes I get stuck replaying that day over and over. The doctor telling me you were gone, my blood spilling all over the floor after they took a bunch of vials and forgot to cap them, your dad running from the room when he found out you were a boy because the pain was too much, holding you for the first time, the huge hole in my heart that is still there, and the drive home from the hospital that was made extra long because most of the freeway was shut down due to construction. Not a single day has gone by that I haven't thought about you. Not a single day that my heart hasn't ached a little bit.

I am really glad today is Sunday. We didn't have to think too much about what we should do today. It was nice to have a day of peace and rest and really nice that your dad had the day off. I love you so much little one, and I pray all the time that you know that.

Love, Mom

We went to the cemetery yesterday because it was supposed to rain today. And it did. A lot. So much rain that our power went out for a few hours. We brought some flowers and balloons and did a balloon release and sent birthday wishes to Heaven. 

I always dreamed about making my first baby's first birthday cake. My mom made me an amazing first birthday cake. It was a teddy bear and the fur detail she put on it with a piping bag must have taken hours. I decided to something more simple that wouldn't take me hours, but also decided to try fondant for the first time. I think it turned out pretty okay. After I finished making it I cried. It was hard making a cake that my baby will never eat. I will never show him how to blow out candles, or sing him a happy birthday song. I am still really glad I made it though. And we enjoyed it this afternoon when the power was out. 

Making Birthday wishes. 

Serving up a nice big slice. Cake for angel babies has no calories. 

Life seems so unfair sometimes. Over the past year the pain hasn't really gone away, but I have learned to live with it better. I have learned how to have joy in the midst of the sorrow. This song has become one of my favorites and is perfect for today: