The Strength of a Nation

When I was very young I spent a lot of time at my Grandparent's house. My mother worked near to their home, so we got to play with Grandma after school. We even lived with them for a few months when construction on our new home fell behind but our old one had already been sold. There were always fun and interesting things to look at (and get into). Each bedroom in their home has a theme. And there are many things hanging on the walls collected over a long lifetime of love, family, and marriage. There is one small sign in the shape of a heart done in red, white and blue that has hung on the wall for as long as I can remember. Compared to the other grand things in the home, this thing is very humble. But it has a phrase on it that captured my heart and ultimately led me to eventually major in Family Science at BYU. The sign says, "The strength of a Nation lies in the homes of it's people."

I have been reflecting a lot on this statement lately. And I think that is where our current weakness as a nation is coming from. Many run to blame the president first and fail to look at what they are doing in their own home.  We need to ask ourselves if we are financially responsible. If we were to not be financially responsible, would it be the responsibility of the government (or the wealthy) to bail us out of our problems? Are we teaching our children to be responsible for their actions? Are we teaching them to care for others and to help those in need? Are we emphasizing the importance of education and hard work? Or are we emphasizing free handouts and getting something for nothing? Are we honest in all of our dealings? Are we teaching our children to be honest as well? Do we accept and love those who are different? Or do we teach them that it is ok to hate someone because of their race or religion or even that it is acceptable to downgrade another if it is "just a joke"?

Today I saw a publication directed at attacking The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, often referred to as the Mormon faith, and is also my faith. It specifically attacked a very sacred symbol to those of my faith, one that may be compared to the cross used in other christian faiths. It is a symbol of faith, and the hope that Christ will return again and unite families together with their loved ones who have already passed on. You can imagine how important and special this symbol has become to me recently. This is also the symbol chosen by the military to be etched into the headstones of service members of the Mormon faith who have passed on and are buried in National Cemeteries (such as Arlington). Ironic that this publication chose to attack this particular symbol when it is these people who fought and died for the very freedom needed to be able to print such slander. I guess "thank you" was just too hard to print.

I may have overreacted a bit to the add in my feelings toward it because it pulled at a very tender heartstring. But it also hurts that in this country it is perfectly acceptable now to attack a member of my faith, but to attack someone of another faith or to attack someone based off their race is completely unacceptable. And the publication seemed chillingly similar to some of the World War II religious propaganda. I still am not sure when or how or if I will have children in my home. But if I do, I will be sure to teach them the things that create a strong nation. I will be sure to teach them the things that make them a strong, loving, accepting person. And even if I do not have children, I can still do everything possible to ensure that my home is a building block of strength for this country and not one of weakness.

A House Divided

I have been thinking a lot about politics and this country that I live in (big shocker since today is election day). It makes me sad that most people do not realize what a blessing it is. Elections have become so ridiculous, and are more about attacking the other candidate than they are about stating what one actually believes in. I told David that if I were registered to vote in Virginia, I would not be voting for local candidates because I do not understand what either of them believe in because all of their commercials and websites are aimed at attacking the other candidate (which everyone knows is mostly lies anyway). I believe this is mostly due to an uneducated America. Not uneducated in the sense that they need to attend more school, but uneducated in the sense that they do not understand the policies of the country that they live in, and do not have any beliefs of their own. I blame this on the bipartisan voting that America has set up. It makes it so people feel they do not have to study the issues. They don't believe they have to seek answers in prayer. Why would you, when people can vote for someone just because he/she wears red or blue or has a greater love for elephants than for donkeys. It makes it so people vote for someone based off the color of his skin or his religious preference and not for the person who most closely supports your personal beliefs or even for the one who actually has the greatest vision for America. So instead of stating issues that a particular party supports they just try to convince you that the other guy is wrong. Because uneducated people are more easily swayed that way.

America is amazing. We are given the opportunity to vote and it is our responsibility to do so, but only after studying out the issues and the people we are voting for. It is awful to see this amazing place so downgraded that we attack each other over our political preferences instead of celebrating the fact that it is okay for us to think differently! I happen to live in a house which is divided, and while frustrations do arise (mostly during election season, thank goodness it is almost over) we understand how amazing it is that we live in a place where we may believe different things and then exercise our freedom and our beliefs in voting for candidates we each believe will best support our idea of what America should be. I often feel bad for our founding fathers, who would surely be appalled at how much division there is, at how we have completely forgotten our blessings and can no longer work together. Instead of seeing Americans, we see Democrats or Republicans.

Voting is a privilege.  It is a blessing.  It is a right of all Americans. But that doesn't mean we take it lightly, it doesn't mean we see it as an opportunity to be unkind or selfish or rude, and it doesn't mean that just because there are two sides (which we have probably already chosen) that we have an excuse to not study the issues and think carefully about our choices in government. We place far too much responsibility on those who serve, and also far too much blame. It is every American's responsibility to take care of this land. It is every American's responsibility to own up to their mistakes and work hard to fix them (and not always expect to be saved as a mother would do for an accident prone toddler). It is every American's responsibility to ensure that this land will still be free and beautiful for our children and for their children and for their children after that. And part of this is voting for a person who we believe will best support future freedom and happiness, and for me, a person who will more closely support the original God ordained vision of America set forth at it's founding by God fearing men in a beautiful document that has firmly stood the test of time.

Our house may be divided on vision for America, but we still pray to the same Heavenly Father. We still believe in the same Heaven. We both still stand in reverent awe at the Atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ. Both of our hands still raise in support of President Monson, a leader which we will never disagree on, and a leader who has greater responsibility and more far reaching affect than even the President of the United States. And we still love each other (though some days our political frustration leads to not liking each other...but only for a minute he he).

So study the issues and go vote today! And hopefully tomorrow we can go back to being Americans, and not Democrats or Republicans.

One of THOSE days

Today (or yesterday rather, since it is now after 2 am) was just one of those days. You know the kind. Sundays are usually one of those days, but preparing for my first ever hurricane, the Frankenstorm of the East, has made it especially difficult and anxiety ridden. To top it off today it has been exactly three months since I looked at my sweet boys face and my heart that was so full of love was crushed into billions of tiny pieces. And now I am having another one of my sleepless nights. the first in a couple of weeks actually. So I guess progress is being made, but the pain still feels fresh and new most days. Tonight it seems the sky decided to stay up and cry with me. Maybe Mother Nature is just missing someone she loves too. 

Fall is Here!

It is finally fall here in DC. I love it!! I am not looking forward to winter, but I love that it is no longer SUPER hot and the colored leaves on the trees are beautiful! That is definitely something I have missed living in San Diego. Here are a few fall things we have done so far:

We went to a cider mill while visiting family in Detroit. It had THE BEST cider and donuts we have ever had.

October is bonus month! And that means new toys for sweetheart. 

We bought a pumpkin,

And brought it to our little boy.

Where we saw some more beautiful fall trees.

And finished the day off with our first fall carwash (also the first in a few months...)

I wish it could stay fall forever, but I know winter is on its way! Sad face. I am kind of looking forward to speeding through the holidays this year. Going out to the stores and seeing all the little kids picking out their costumes is hard. And all the Christmas decorations coming out makes it harder for me to be thankful for what I have, instead of being sad about what I don't. I asked David what he thought little man would have been for Halloween. He said, "that's easy. Lebron James. Every single year." (eyes definitely rolled here) I told him I didn't think that was a very creative idea. I thought he would have suggested some sort of super hero because he is really into comics, but I guess I was wrong.

What kinds of things do you like to do in the fall?

I Have a Problem

Hi, my name is Marissa and I am an overpacker. Always. No matter what. I put all of the necessities in my suitcase (plus an extra pair of socks and underwear because Mom always said to do that) and then I start thinking of all the what if's. What if there is a freak snow storm in the middle of July? What if I accidentally walk under a waterfall and become soaked? What if we go somewhere fancy where jeans are not allowed? What if we do that twice (usually never happens)? What if I need snow boots and flip flops in the same week? What if their 60 degrees is colder than my 60 degrees? And by the time I go through all of my what if's, my once neat (non stuffed) suitcase looks more like this:

Sigh. I always promise myself it wont happen. And then it always happens. I think it is safe to say, I have a serious problem. But the first step to recovering is admitting it, right?

Making Life Fair

I find myself needing to take a lot more deep breaths lately. I also find that I post more when I have bad days than good ones because I use this as therapy for me. I had anticipated the pain being nearly gone by now, but I have found that the opposite is more true. In the beginning the pain was soothed by amazing experiences and blessings of being able to see into heaven a little bit and feel so close to our true and eternal home.  A loving Heavenly Father sent down sweet blessings of love and comfort which took away some of the pain in my heart while modern medicine lessened the physical pain of my body.  But now it seems my feet have been firmly planted back in reality, and while I still have a deep understanding and faith in an eternal plan of love and families, the veil (divide between heaven and earth) does not seem as thin as it did before. I see the mountains of life more clearly laid before me and I am painfully and awkwardly aware of the fact that I have no idea what to do now. Somewhere in my life I am sure I was prepared for this experience, but it is hard for my mind to get past the fact that I quit a job I loved (one that is difficult to obtain) to be a mom and now I have nothing. Not a job, not a child, not a purpose. I spend hours a night in tears pleading with Heavenly Father to tell me what to do. I cry for the family I want but cannot be sure I will ever have. And I can hear those infamous words echoing in my ears, "Life isn't fair". Well isn't that the truth?

I have had lots of questions answered about eternal families and about where my little boy is and what he is doing. I feel sad he isn't here with me, and even more sad I cannot tell him myself how much I love him (I ask Heavenly Father to tell him for me) but I know his special spirit and personality and talents would not have been best used here. It leaves me wondering though, what I should do with my skills and talents now that my life plans have completely crumbled. Last weekend was the annual Relief Society Broadcast for my church. The talks were great and the music was inspiring. I was especially touched by the words of one women who talked about how the Atonement of Christ makes up for everything that is unfair in this world. It  heals all of the pains and will make everything perfect and right when we complete our journey here. All lost in our life will be restored. It is amazing to me that such an unselfish, loving, amazing, and truly unfair sacrifice makes our lives whole and eventually fair. What an amazing blessing and miracle. It is this same atoning sacrifice that will allow me to see my precious baby again and be his mom forever. This experience in my life has been extremely soul stretching. Both my spiritual and physical self have been broken and healed over and over again.  And although I don't know why, I am still here. And while I am here, I will continue to work hard at being the best I can be, and especially the best mom I can be so that when everything is made right and life is made fair, I will be ready for the blessings that come.

Along the Road of Life

Lately David and I have been talking a lot about where we go from here. Do we wait the medically recommended three months and then try again? Do we wait longer to allow our hearts to heal more? Do we not try again at all because the process is long, emotional, and painful and cannot graruntee positive results? Or do we try adoption and spend a lot of time and even more money and still be left with empty arms and an empty home? I guess the real question is, are we willing to risk everything again and put our hearts on the line? And it seems the answer is not always totally clear.

Being left with practically no friends who aren't pregnant or nurturing new babies has been really hard. It seems we have been left with no friends at all. The dark times have become even darker in loneliness. It seems every single day someone new is announcing they are expecting, or someone new is sending out pictures of baby's first day. And we are happy for our friends because we love them. But our hearts hurt too, and it feels like our wounds get ripped open every time. We found it especially hard in the weeks following baby David's passing when we felt we needed so much support and help that our friends were too busy with babies or pregnancies or generally happy lives to notice. We don't blame anyone for feeling happiness about their lives; we never would.  In fact we love that those we love are experiencing so much joy. And I am sure there have been times when we have also been wrapped up in our own happiness and passed by the broken traveler on the side of the road fearing our lives would be interrupted if we reached out to help. But for that, we are truly sorry. I always saw the parable of the Good Samaritan as so black and white. Obviously we should stop and help the dying man. But sometimes the man is not so outwardly and obviously wounded. And sometimes we pass so many people who need help it can become overwhelming. But I think I am guilty of not stopping at times and not lifting someone who felt broken and abandoned simply because it wasn't the easy thing to do. And I plan to change that. 

I still don't know where we will go from here, even though I really really want to know what the future holds. I don't know if there will ever be a time when fear keeps us from risking everything. I am not even sure that the statement found in 2 Nephi, "men are that they might have joy" even applies to this life as so many interpret it to mean. Maybe we are just biding our time until the next life when the joy will surely come. But I hope in my life, along the road that I travel, that those in my path who are hurting or injured will be able to count on me to stop and help. And I know making that commitment requires me to get outside my grief enough to see that others are carrying grief and fear too. So for today, that is what I am working on. So if I see you on the road, I'll certainly try hard to catch you if you stumble.