This Mother's day is bitter sweet. It brought both a reminder of a little boy that isn't here and anticipation of a little boy to come. I remember how happy I was last mother's day. I couldn't wait for baby David to get here. I was blissfully unaware of what was about to come. And looking back, I also still had no idea what it meant to be a mother. I had no idea I could love so much. And I also had no idea I could hurt so much either. So many raw emotions have been flooding back in.
Of course I have spent a lot of time thinking of my own mother today. She is a wonderful mother. And I am finally understanding just how much of a rockstar she really is. My mom has done some amazing things. She always planned the best themed birthday parties. And most of them happened before google!! I have no idea how she did that. She even made a fabulous teddy bear cake for my first birthday without a step by step youtube tutorial. Like I said, amazing.
She probably isn't the perfect mom in the "pinterest" sense. The house was not perfectly scheduled on cute printed calendars and notes lists, there has never been a mini van (thank goodness), dinner every night was not a perfectly plated organic meal full of color and variety on beautiful plates set upon a coordinating table cloth, but our house was always a safe place to play and learn, the SUV was always perfectly adequate to get us places (even if it wasn't always on time), and even though our meals were rarely organic and not served on plates that coordinated to the table cloth, there was always dinner and it was always good. It is really the little things that I have been thinking about the most. While I loved the themed birthday parties and remember every single one because they made childhood fun and made me feel special, it is in the more mundane moments of motherhood: in the laundry folding, the grilled cheese dinners, the packed school lunches, the staying up late to help with homework moments; all the moments that she thinks I(we) didn't notice (and that we didn't praise her nearly enough for). It was in those moments that my wonderful mother taught me how to be a mother. She has always had patience that I have never had, (I get mine, or lack thereof from my father) but I am working on it. She taught me that the best ways to teach a child something you need them to know is to play with them. And she showed me, especially this last year, that a mother is someone who will always be there for you no matter how old you get.
Someone commented to me last year that they couldn't believe my mom would leave her other children to come stay with me when I was on bed-rest for a month. And at the time I couldn't believe it either. But when I met my little boy, I understood that it would be more shocking for her to not be there. Because she is an amazing mother, and that is what amazing mothers do. She knew my younger siblings would be safe and well cared for by dad, and she went to where she was needed. I never would have made it through last year without her. And very recently as I have really struggled with figuring out how to be a mom to two little boys, one that is here and one that is not, I have looked to her example and have understood that the best way to be a mom to both, is to be an amazing mom to the one that is here, because he is the one that needs me. Of course baby David will always be part of our family, and a day will never pass where I do not think of him, but I know he is safe with his Father. He is taken care of. He doesn't need me to teach him about God because he is with Him, and he doesn't need me to teach him how to safely navigate life in this world because he already passed that test. We gave him everything he needed, his physical body, and with that he reached his full potential. Now he just needs us (including little brother) to reach ours so we can all be back together again. And I am sure I will continue to rely on my mom for her example and her advice on how to best do that.
Happy Mother's day to my awesome mom and all the other awesome moms in my life.
A poem I found online a few months ago that really touched my heart:
What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked him what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say,
A mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes you can, He replied
With confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need for them to stay.
I just don't understand this,
God I want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With the other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here."
"I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lesson very quickly
and my mommy set me free."
"I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep at night
On her pillow is where I lay."
"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I am your baby and I am here."
So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are in My home
And this is where they will stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.
