Just One Goal

We went to the cemetery last week. There were two funerals going on that we had to pass by in order to get to the part of the cemetery that David III is in. And although it was freezing outside, I could practically feel the heat of the day we buried our baby. It was practically suffocating. And I got really angry- angry that I have to visit my boy in a graveyard. Angry that I have to wait to get to know him. Angry that this is my life, my reality. And angry that I have to think about things like how moving far away from the cemetery my son is in will feel, how I will tell Jax about a brother he has never met, and how to live an entire life with a piece of my heart missing.

Most days I am fine. I have learned how to live with having him gone. I have learned how to have this different sort of family that we have. But every so often, things come crashing down again. I have been feeling a little bit out of sorts lately. Maybe it is the lack of sleep (yeah Jax still wakes up every 2 hours) or the stress of moving soon (for the third time in 3 years), but little things have been upsetting me. After I get Jax back to sleep in the middle of the night I lay awake with my mind racing thinking about so many things. Not even important things really: the hall closet that needs organizing, whether or not it will be warm enough to take Jax outside the next day, or did I remember to start the dishwasher after dinner?

I made all these goals for the new year (ok I made 5) but I am thinking about scrapping them and focusing on just one completely different one. Learning to be comfortable. Learning to be comfortable with my life and the things that have happened up until now and be comfortable with what I still have to experience. Learning to look in the mirror at my stretch marks and not feel so much pain and longing for the boy that put them there.  And finally learning to have joy in every part of the journey, even the hard parts.  Basically I want to be comfortable being me. I don't want to spend so much time worrying about the things I cannot change so I can spend more time focusing on spending time with my family and helping all of us be better.