Spring in DC

This Easter was pretty relaxed. We slept in (kind of-as late as babies sleep in) and watched General Conference (it doesn't start until noon here, kind of can't wait until it is back to starting earlier though). We had yummy french toast bake for breakfast, gave the kids their Easter baskets from the Easter bunny, and had a fun outdoor lunch with all our friends on the base here who have become our family for holidays, birthdays and celebrations. We will definitely miss them when we move in 3 months. 

Since we didn't go to church, the kids wore their Easter outfits to church this last week. I tried to get more pictures of them, but Jax was not having it. It is very hard to get non moving pictures of almost 2 year olds. 

Jax saw the neighbors dog. He just kept looking at it instead of looking at me for the picture. 

On Wednesday I went out to a mommy and me event with the babies. I wanted to chat with my other mom friends and wanted to get Jax some interaction with other kids (he loves playing with other kids) but when we got there things kind of just went downhill. Jax is too far behind his peers to participate in the activities that were there. We ended up sitting in the back eating snacks, dancing alone, and not getting any of the interaction that I was craving for us. I ended up leaving early, running to my car, loading the babies up and crying all the way home. When we are alone at home all I see is Jax's progress. I see him getting better every day. But then I put him in a room full of kids his age and I see how very behind he still is. And I ache thinking about what his future might be. To cheer me up, David took us on a family outing to see the Cherry Blossoms, which were on their last leg but still really pretty.

We are trying to get out a little more now that Rory has gotten a little older so we can experience everything before we move. We have spent so much time growing our family here, that we haven't experienced as much of the area as we might have liked. But our babies are definitely the best thing we will be taking back with us to California. :)

Doom does not Endure

For the past few weeks, Rory hasn't been sleeping. I am up with her for hours and hours at night. Ever since Jax was born and I stopped sleeping all night, I have filled those late night hours with thoughts of my babies. Of their futures, of their pasts, and mostly of the one that isn't here anymore.

When you are the mom to an angel, the heartache is always there just under the surface of your happy life. There is always a hole, always someone missing, always dreams that never will come true. But some days bring these feelings to the surface. Some days the pain is so real it physically hurts all over. Birthdays generally do this for angel moms. And Easter also does it for me. The story of a mom watching helplessly as her sweet boy dies hits really close to home for me. And that hurts.

I can't help but spend a lot of time leading up to Easter thinking about sweet mother Mary, and how she must have felt. The details of that fateful Friday come alive and it almost feels as if I was there. I thank my Heavenly Father every day for the gift of His son, because without him I wouldn't get to see my son again, but I also can't wait for the day when I can thank Mary for her gift as well. Because the sacrifice was also hers. She shared her precious little boy with the world. And unlike Jesus's father, His mother did not fully understand the sacrifice with her mortal mind. She was just exercising faith, like the rest of us, to know that it was what needed to be done. And that makes her one of the most beautiful and faithful people that has ever lived.

I often pray to have faith and like Mary did-Faith to know that even though I can't understand the details of it, that there is and always has been a plan for my little boy and a plan for my eternal family. I pray for faith to know that the atonement of Jesus Christ has the power to make me whole, and to someday make us whole as a family.

Several years ago (2006) Elder Wirthlin gave a talk called "Sunday will Come". It is the talk that came into my mind in the dark silent hours of night shortly following D3's death. And it is one I think of often now. It is not the first time I have mentioned it on this blog, and it probably won't be the last. It speaks to my heart and calms my soul.

"In all the history of the world there have been many great and wise souls, many of whom claimed special knowledge of God. But when the Savior rose from the tomb, He did something no one had ever done. He did something no one else could do. He broke the bonds of death, not only for Himself but for all who have ever lived—the just and the unjust. ⁶

When Christ rose from the grave, becoming the firstfruits of the Resurrection, He made that gift available to all. And with that sublime act, He softened the devastating, consuming sorrow that gnaws at the souls of those who have lost precious loved ones.

I think of how dark that Friday was when Christ was lifted up on the cross.

On that terrible Friday the earth shook and grew dark. Frightful storms lashed at the earth...

On that Friday the Savior of mankind was humiliated and bruised, abused and reviled.

It was a Friday filled with devastating, consuming sorrow that gnawed at the souls of those who loved and honored the Son of God.

I think that of all the days since the beginning of this world’s history, that Friday was the darkest.

But the doom of that day did not endure.

The despair did not linger because on Sunday, the resurrected Lord burst the bonds of death. He ascended from the grave and appeared gloriously triumphant as the Savior of all mankind...

Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.

But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.

No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come."

I cannot wait for our Sunday to come. And because of Christ and Easter and all the things that come with it, Sunday will surely come. And that makes for a very Happy Easter indeed.